THE NIGHTINGALE AND THE ROSE

It’s been a long 3 days for me.
Relocation is no piece of cake, I tell you. And this Sify Broadband Sucks like hell.
I took the highest possible plan this a** network offers and it delivers the lowest possible speeds.

You wouldn’t believe the no. of Forums I found while Googling Cursing/ damning/ blaspheming/ effing the Sify Net Provider.
Read this ‘Sify Broadband Sucks’ Thread. I think you’ll enjoy the curses these people throw at those Sify Hosts. Therez a whooping 297 Replies for this thread, thatz greater than the greatest Replies from our ECE-Rocks Community in Orkut and thats 160 I guess (topic:Movie Reviews).
Another One – Sify a Wish or a Nightmare.
Herez one more Curse Thread. The funny part of this is the title of the thread –
Sify Broadband is Good – Go For It.

You ask me why then did I chose Sify? Well, herez a proverb for you (Pardhuz one).

E dhikku lenappudu, akka mogude dhikku !!

Anywayz, chit-chat later. I have a short-story for you, written by Oscar Wilde (Description at the bottom). Read it. I think you’ll love it (I definitely did). I know this ain’t related to ECE, but it sure as hell is worth a read ;). Go on and give it a try (Read it Completely, even if you don’t like the middle-part, Self-Dabba: And the theme is also well suited for reading… hehe)

 

"She said that she would dance with me if I brought her red roses," cried the young Student; "but in all my garden there is no red rose."

From her nest in the holm-oak tree the Nightingale heard him, and she looked out through the leaves, and wondered.

Digi-Souvenir: Our B.Tech Souvenir Software

I’d like to keep this post as short and brief as possible… (Ya, you think thats exaggerating after the last couple of posts :D)

I beleive most of the 2005-2009 batch mates (my) have already taken their Souvenir Copies  while taking their Consolidated Marks Memos and Provisional Cetrtificates from the College. For those of you who havent, Souvenir is a book  containing detailed profiles of every student. This is the Digital Version of it (and I created it with AHK … hehe.. Self Dabba)

digi

Well, I digitized it and created a small software (it’d be better to call it a tool) and decided to name it “Digi-Souvenir” (Here I go again, Self Dabba…lolz). I’ve included every students profile in it. All you have to do is to type in the last three digits in your JNTU roll no, and viola… therez your complete profile.

Quotes Collection from Eminent Personalities

 

My Personal favourite is Albert Einsein. He says eCESHOUT everything so simply, but each of his quotes has a witty end to it. Humorous yet depicting reality. Hope you like them.

# "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

# "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"

# "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

# "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."

# "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

over 100 seminar topics with abstracts for paper presentations - 2

Warning: Long Post

Back with a Bang :) (took that statement from a friend…hehe).  Finally a post related to the name of the site – Its purely Electronics.

 Seminar Seeing that the most visits to our site are from the List of Seminar Topics to Help You page, I thought it would be appropriate to post another article on the Seminar Thingy. As we all know how important giving paper presentations is seeing our empty resumes (not mine, I already gave around 7 Seminars and won one National Level Poster Presentation too…hehe.. Self Dabba), here I am, posting another of those famous LONG posts to satisfy the thirst of my readers :)

This article consists of over a hundred of topics with abstracts that are ‘worthy’ to be presented in any national level Inter College Presentations. I mailed many of my friends in other Engineering Colleges (CVSR, CBIT, etc) requesting to send me the abstracts from Presentations held in their respective Colleges (they had hundreds of them). I took those abstracts, edited, formatted, expanded(using google of course) them to end up with this page. It took me around a week to complete it, but I am satisfied finally. Hope this comes is useful to someone out there. This is not for you ECE’09 guys. This is for those guys searching for an idea to present out there.

Here is a list of topics that I gave the abstracts in this page. Click on the “ [+/-]Show/Hide “ if you are interested in any one of these.

DNA Based computer

Home Networking

Electronics Meet Animal Brains

Military Radars

Genomic Signal Processing

Pixie dust

Low Energy Efficient Wireless Communication Network Design

Wavelength Division Multiplexing

BIT for Intelligent system design

A 64 Point Fourier Transform Chip

Narrow Band & Broad Band ISDN

New Sensor Technology

Chip Morphing

Honeypots

Wireless DSL

The TIGER SHARC Processor

Poly Fuse

DV Libraries and the Internet

Automatic Teller Machine

Electro Dynamic Tether

Quadrics networkEmbryonics

CRT Display

Nuclear Batteries-Daintiest Dynamos

Co-operative cache based data access in ad hoc networks

CAN

Virtual Retinal Display

Opaque Networks Utilizing TOS

ATM

Clos Architecture in OPS

Universal Asynchronous Receiver Transmitter

CCD vs. CMOS – Image

WiDEN

 

High Performance DSP Architectures

Mesh Topology

Optical Burst Switching

Digital Subscriber Line

3D optical Data Storage Technology

Fractal Robots

Tunable lasers

Multimedia messaging Service

Surface-Conduction Electron-Emitter Display (SED)

GSM Security and Encryption

MIMO Wireless Channels

Data Security in Local Network using Distributed Firewalls

Plastic circuitries

Plasma antenna

Embedded Systems and Information Appliances

Anthropomorphic Robot hand: Gifu Hand II

Nanotechnology Assembler Design And Nano-Communication

FPGA in Space

Face Recognition Technology

Digital Light Processing

Grating Light Valve Display Technology

Fractal Antennas

Polymer memory

Adaptive Optics in Ground Based Telescopes

Modular Embedded Internet Software Support

PolyBot - Modular, self-reconfigurable robots

Wireless Microserver

User Identification Through Keystroke Biometrics

The Architecture of a Moletronics Computer

JINI

MOBILE IPv6

Immersion Lithography

HART Communication

Class-D Amplifiers

Border Security Using Wireless Integrated Network Sensors (WINS)

DD Using Bio-robotics

Freenet

Solar Power Satellites

DLP Projector

Abstract Cell

Ultrasonic Motor

Optical Communications in Space

Communication Onboard High-Speed Public Transport Systems

Heliodisplay

Spin Valve Transistor

Micro Electronic Pill

Ultra-Wideband

Aluminum Electrolytic Capacitors

MILSTD 1553B

Iontophoresis

Stereoscopic Imaging

Leo Satellite

Wireless LAN Security

BiCMOS

Indoor Geolocation

Challenges in the Migration to 4G

Digital Cinema

Quantum dot lasers

Metamorphic Robots

Blues eyes

E-Textiles

Mesh Radio

Non Visible Imaging

FLUORESCENT MULTILAYER DISC (FMD)

Optical Coherent Tomography

BORDER SECURITY USINGWIRELESS INTEGRATED NETWORK SENSORS

IBOC Technology

ANN for misuse detection

Palladium cryptography

Don’t go and use them as it is. I posted them for just an Idea. Come up something related to these and Grab’em…. :)

The Underlined ones are the Actual Topics.

[+/-]Show/Hide

“Tour”Iffic vacation: educational tour

Warning: This is a Very Very Very Long Post. So, be patient enough till the entire thing loads. I am 90% sure that not even a handful of the readers will have enough longanimity to read the whole thing. I whole-heartedly thank Mr. Glamour Boy ‘C. Ajay Reddy’ for keeping a diary and having enough patience to sit with me for a couple of days writing this Post. I won’t waste anymore time as there is enough to deal with, as it is.
I'm leaving out the Organizing Issues from this post because they were too Numerous(Will have to post it in a separte article) and too Painful(For both - me and Asish) to recount.
I will try to describe Everythin in a few words in the order of their occurrences in days..
mapDay 1: Travel Train, Fun, Own Food, UNO, Cards, Smell
Day 2: Trvl Train, Trn food, Jummu Shoranpur Exp, Bus Shock, First Oil Food Taste(Biryani), Freshup Shock, Waterfall Fun, Climbing up and down Experience, Night Bus DJ & Disco, Hotel Search, Tour Guide Driver Limbo with Org.
Day 3: Morng 2 to Hotel(Sun Mount View - Vry Good) in Munnar, Early Morn Start to Erivikulam National Park, Photo Session, Dam View, Speed Boating in Sun Moon Valley, Shopping(looting), Back to hotel (Sn - 1), Own DJ's Night(pedha puli).
Day 4: Early Morning Start to Thekkadey(too tiring), Boating Punch, Spice Garden P, Tour Guide DD, Night DJ P, Campfire Music & Dance enjoy Scrpio. Food P. Shivakar Health out.
Day 5: Early Morn 5 Start to Allepey(and then to Kanyakumari), Travel Smooth. Backwater Relaxation, Foreigners Fun, Drive to Kanyakumari, Shivakar Cmpletly Out.
Hospital, Hotel Good(We know otherwise, emantav Shivakar??), Food tho Awesome(Pineapple Biryani - Sn-2). Maddy, Kranthi & 7 Hills Fish, Night Jummu Volvo Tire Puncture, Asish Open Eye Sleep, Girls Shoppin, Standing on the Edge of our Nation.
Day 6: Kanyakumari Sunrise, Asish Missin, Keka View, Rock Climb and 1st Sunrise Exp(Won't ever Forget it in my life), Shopping, Boating to Vivekananda Rock and Thiruvelluvoor Statue, Line Prob(more than Thirupathi), Took Maddy back Halfway, Hotel Checkout P, Travel to Kovalam Beach, Shivakar Sunfeast's Oil Feast, Sunset P, Hotel at Trivandrum, Restaurant P, Bus Group Pics
Day 7: Early Morning Walk to Trivandrum, Compartment Change P, UNO, Cards, Bettings, Jummu Breakfast Promise, Night Video Interviews(Sn - 3), GIrls Police Prob, Change
Day 8: Girls Ghajini, Dumbshells, Boys Rest & Interviews. Last Money P with Icing(should appreciate his talent.... keka.. Nelaki 18,00,000 Earn chesthaadu easy ga). Cab Drive Home. (MH H20 P)

...

My Futile Attempt at Sketching

On the eve of Ajay’s Departure to Australia (University of Southern Queensland, Toowoombha, Queensland, Australia), it was time to buy a memento for him. But I was depleted (good word, haha…) of all my financial resources the earlier day in the celebrations that were held in both my and Ajayz name that I hosted at Shivrampally (Me, Maddy, Shivakar, Vikas, Ajay, Kranthi, Shashi, Prasu & one another).

I realized that a bit too late. Reached home at 6 in the morning with no sleep (Coke and Teachers can have that effect on people). Deprived of sleep and rest, I reached home, ready to crash on my bed. When I realized the bitter truth, I came to the conclusion that I had to do something for him. Photoshopping was a bit too old for him ( and too tiresome for me too), so I decided to try my hand at drawing a simple sketch of Ajay. Took out the pic DVD’s till I found one satisfactory, opened it on the screen, took a HB pencil with an A4 sheet and got down to work.

After a lifetime of time(or so it seemed – it was 4 to 5 hours I think), I ended up with these….

asdf-(Large)   sda

If I had more patience and time, I am sure it would have turned out a little more elegant.

Updated Design: www.ecerocks.com

Here’z the good-old first header that I prepared for our old blog. I thought you might enjoy a peek at it….. :)

Another ground-breaking Design Update to our Site Guyz....
Plz Check it out and Comment....

Let me know if there are any loading/content Issues....

This time around, the design is mainly oreinted around decreasing the bandwidth of the site.... I mean, the time and Space the site takes to load. The previous theme was a Diary, made to remind you of the memories/events of the past that were posted in the site. But I decided to remove it on Prasu’z comment that the site is taking around 1.5 MB space for the home-page alone. And the images were hosted in a public server and one-too  many users opening at the same time is affecting the speed of its loading drastically.

ChangeLog:

  • I decreased the design to a minimum. No more background Images. No more Sidebar Images. So the MB is saved and it loads much faster.
  • I hope you like the new header. Should I add/subtract anything from it?
  • I removed some bloatware widgets.... and added a few light-weighted ones.
  • I organized ALL the 60 change posts into the following Labels found in the sidebar and at the bottom of every post:

ECE'09 - For Every Post related to Our ECE 2005-2009 Section Events

Great Collection of JOKEs

 

XTREME-PARENTAL-ADVISORY

 jokI always enjoyed reading Jokes online but I never had enough resources in one place to satisfy my thirst for them. I always found websites offering only one joke per page, so that the visitor always had to wait for the next page to load amidst a  mountain of ads.

The only site which offered good jokes with as little ads was Work Joke. I always had fun at this site. But these jokes are based on Profession. They didn’t have that native touch that our jokes have. So here I am posting a huge, I mean REALLY HUGE collection of jokes, without ads….hehe….. I thank all the Orkut community members of ECE Rocks for contributing these jokes. 

I hope you can see the banner at the top that says “Parental Advisory: XTREME Content”. There are some very Pervy (Adult) jokes in here. Consider yourself warned. 

What are we waiting for then? Let the fun Begin:


HEADLINES of 2020 NEWS PAPER
1. President Sonia Gandhi and Prime minister Priyanka Gandhi went Italy to meet Italian president Rahul Gandhi.
2. Dhoom-17 ready for release.
3. I'll play the next world cup - Sachin
4. Salman khan, Hritik roshan, Vivek Obroi and Abhisheik bacchan attend Aishwarya's 5th wedding.
5. petrol 1 litre rs. 999/- only.
6. Inkoka 1 year lo......pratyeka telangana - KCR
7. chiranjeevis' s new film "nannu nammuko....unnadi ammuko....." audio released

8. "I am still ready 2 play a college girl role...,..." - Sridevi in press conference.
9. Petrol price will rise by Rs.2 i.e Rs. 999/Ltr.
10. Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi completes 2,50,000 episodes as Baa celebrets her ?? birthday.....
11. Coach Saurav Ganguly resigns, as India is knocked out of World Cup in 1st round after losing to Afganistan, Nepal & Brazil.
12. Siddhu launches his own TV channal "GURUUUUUUU" where he can speak and laugh for the whole day.
13. After giving 49 flop movie in a row Himesh Reshamiya is coming in Hollywood romantic movie sequel Titanic 3 and has finally decided to remove his cap!!!

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
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A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
******************************************

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

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Pharmacist!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

******************************************

Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant
pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.

******************************************

Once Amitabh bachchan went 2 public toilet.When he came out Jaya asked ,tum gile kaise ho gaye?
he replied: in toilet someone shouted 'BIG B' and everyone turned 2 me.
******************************************
Santa to his son: I think it's right time we should talk about sex!
Pappu: Sure dad, what do u wanna knoe...?

******************************************
Sikh found a cigarete in daughter's room"ohh,she SMOKES"...then found RUM,"ohh she drinks too"...when he found a condom, said: "wah GURU she has a P****"

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THE WIFES CAT:
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

******************************************

Bush was sitting in his office when his phone rang.
"Hallo Bush!" a voice said.
"This is Banduk Khan from Pishin District, Balochistan. We are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Banduk Khan," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is ur army?"
"Right now," said Banduk Khan, "there is me, cousin Toap Khan, neighbour Usama Jr., and entire Mulakhra team (local wrestling) from the Killi. That makes 8".
Bush paused. "I must tell you, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"BLOODY Hell" said Banduk Khan. "I'll ring you back!"
Sure enough next day Banduk Khan called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Banduk Khan, I'm calling from Pishin. The war’s still on! We’ve managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment wud that be?" Bush asked.
"Well, we’ve two AK 47s, a donkey and a tractor."
Bush sighed. "I must tell you, that I’ve 16,000 tanks and 14,000 APCs. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"Oh teri (oops)....." said Banduk Khan. "I'll get back to you."
Sure enough, Banduk Khan rang again the next day. "Mr. Bush, the war’s still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified the tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the killi's(Village's) generator. 4 boys from Chamman have joined us as well!"
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, that I’ve 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, S.A.M sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 2 MILLION!"
"Oooo zoey...." said Banduk Khan, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Banduk Khan called again the next day. ", Mr. Bush! Sorry to tell you that we’ve had to call off the war."
"Sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Banduk Khan, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of Sajjjis (Roasted Lamb) and decided there's no way we can accommodate and feed 2 million Prisoners!

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Computer: Male or Female???

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, Nouns are designated as either Masculine or feminine.
"House"For instance,Is feminine:"la casa.""Pencil,
"However,Is masculine:"el lapiz."


A student asked,"What gender is 'computer'?

"Instead of giving the answer,the teacher split the class into two groups,Male and female,and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that"computer"Should definitely be of the feminine gender("la computadora"), Because:

1. No one but their creator Understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is Incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group,However, concluded that computers should be Masculine("el computador"),Because:
1. In order to do anything With them,you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,But half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one,you realize that if you had waited a little longer,you could have gotten a better model.
So who won?

******************************************

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

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Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

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IQ Test

Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________

******************************************

Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!
Answers: 1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress

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Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

******************************************

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it.
He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"
The women replied, "June."
She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling.
June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?"
Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

******************************************

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

******************************************

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you're first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She's a doctor.”
“That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
'Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, “I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

******************************************

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

******************************************

Bible Joke

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ''Aren't you Moses?''
The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"
The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

******************************************

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

******************************************

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
******************************************

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."
The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."
The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."
There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year. One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly. The other crab asked why and he said, "I got a ride here on a man's moustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing."
"Well," the other crab said, "why don't you hide up a lady's skirt next year. Then you won't be as cold."
The little crab said, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea."
A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again. The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said, "Yeah, I went and hid up a lady's skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that's guy's moustache again!"

******************************************

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

******************************************

Telangana rhymes -- Too good

English: Twinkle Twinkle little star how i wonder what u are
Telangana Telugu: Merishe Merishe shinna sukka pareshan ayiti ne ninnu sushi
English: Johnny Johnny Yes papa Eating Sugar No papa
Telangana Telugu: Johnny ga Johnny ga.. Endhi naina Shekkar Bukkuthunnaav ra.. ledhu naina
English: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water jack fell down and broke his crown jill came tumbling down.

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This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

******************************************

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

******************************************

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

******************************************

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

******************************************

Science Project----I really like this one

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

******************************************

Bush Has Feelings Too

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me."
Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

******************************************

The FBI, CIA, LAPD, and some Rabbits

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

******************************************

Cheap Cat

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

******************************************

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

******************************************

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He notices he is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks up to the sardar and asks him, "Excuse me mister, what are you doing here?"
Then sardar replies, "oye! I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize yaar"
The puzzled man asks "ANd how do you plan to do that?"
Then sardar replied, "oye paaji! I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

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Teacher: How old is ur father.
santa:- As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
santa:- He became father only after I was born

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There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.
“Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George. “George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion,” said Sam.
“Okay, I can do that,” George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions. “Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle,” said Sam. “OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.
“Hang on George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam. “Sure!” says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other.
George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say, “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am….”

******************************************

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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Newton in romantic mood......*
*Universal law:
*
"*Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money** "*
*first law:
*
"* a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. **"**
*
*second law:
*
"* the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance.* *"**
*
*third law:
*
"* the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl** **while* *slapping

******************************************

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

******************************************

In a train, ticket checker to a saint: Ticket please!
Saint: I don't have.
TT: Where do you want to go?
Saint: Lord Ram's birth place, Ayodhya!
TT: Come, lets go!
Saint: Where?
TT: Lord Krishna'a birth place, Jail.

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A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "You ve been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed." When do we get started?"

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Identi Love story 2050 laga olympics 2050 antunadu veedu anukuntunnara?
Yess. Aa setha cinema susi inspiration techukunna!
Andaru 2050 lo bike lu ila untai, leka pothe car lu ila unati, lekapothe robot lu ila untai ani alochistharu / cinemalo chupistharu kani, future lo olympics unte, "unte" ela untayoi alochinchara?
Mamuluga kakunda naa laga vankara ga alochinchandi...
2050 lo kuda technology marakunda ippudu unnate undali. olympics conduct cheyataniki antartica lo tappa inka ekkada place undakudadu. ila vankaraga alochisthe bauntundi anamata.
Nenu alochinchesa,
Ippudu suskondi na thadaka, thaadi mattaya thodu. kevv anipistha!


Traffic olympics @ Hyderabad:


Road crossing [ distance depends on venue]
Jagratha ga road cross cheyatam. [ante ikkada poti avuthunatu road meeda vellevallaki teliyadu anamata. so 1,2,3 annangane evadu "emi avvakunda" road cross chesi atu velthado vade winner...]
deeniki venue: ameerpet, dilsukhj nagar, inka konni baga mental phellows driving chese roadlu anamata.
claps claps claps claps.... *ikkada ee concept ki maa vallu koduthunna claps anamata ivi*


Indoor olympics@ ekkadaina:


Fan tho games
Fan tirugu unnapudu, table tennis ball ceiling ki visarali. fan rekkalaki tegilithe disqualified. 10 times lo evadu ekkuva saarlu ball ni ceiling kesi kodithe vade winner...
venue: edaina function hall, leda seminar hall, ala inka chala chotla adachu.

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MP

OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE: MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER: YOUR FATHER̢۪S NAME?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE: MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER: YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: IS IT MADHYA PRADESH?
CANDIDATE: NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT?
CANDIDATE: METRIC PASS
OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE: MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER: DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE: MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER: THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE: MY PERFORMANCE…
OFFICER: MP!!!
CANDIDATE: WHAT IS THAT SIR?
OFFICER: MENTALLY PUNCTUR

******************************************

Mickey mouse and Ramayana
One day, Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him Ramayana.
Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana.
Mickey Mouse continues to listen. After completing all the verses from Ramayana
Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse,
"Mickey Mouse, tell me...who was the father of Lord Ram?"
Mickey Mouse could not answer..
Angry, Donald duck, again asks, " Mickey Mouse!!! tell me...what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"
Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.
Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and Mickey Mouse goes and collides with a wall.
As soon as he collides with the wall, he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana
from start to end....
How did this happen???
SCROLL DOWN
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Think Think....
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Ok
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After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes
Wall-Mickey( Valmiki). .. Oh…. Ahhhhh…. Heeee…. Huuuuu…!
.......Bolo Jai Shree Ram!!

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In an interview
Interviewer : why did you leave ur previous job?
Candidate : They shifted the office and they didn't inform me where they have shifted.

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Raju Raju sat on the wall
Raju Raju had a great fall
Balance sheet died
Shareholders cried
Raju Raju made a fraud
Raju Raju
Yes baba
Cheating us
No baba
Telling Lies
No baba
Open the balance sheet
HA HA HA

******************************************

Do you know that Infinity can't be counted???
Well, there are exceptions...... To say it precisely, there is only one exception.
Balakrishna has been known to count up to Infinity .......
......
.....
......
.....
.....
.....
......
TWICE.

******************************************

The 20 Disses

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!
They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.
Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.
I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!
I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.
Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?
Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.
I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.
Know what I like about your face? Me neither.
Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.
You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.
You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.
I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.
You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.
''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''
"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"

******************************************

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

******************************************

IN ENGLISH DICTIONARY ,tell me the WORD ?
IT HAS 7 LETTERS IN IT.
IF WE REMOVE 1 LETTER FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 2 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 3 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE ALL THE LETTERS FROM IT, STILL IT REMAINS SAME.
WHATZ IT ?
GUESS !!!
GUESS !!!
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POSTBOX
( he he he he... )

******************************************

Boy & Girl in restaurant : Boy:-I Love u
Girl:-I dont Love u
Boy:- Think again?
Girl:-I told u. No no & no
Boy:-Ok!!! Waiter,bring seperate bills.
Girl:- ok ok....... I Love u too........

******************************************

I never take risk while drinking
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When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
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I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
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I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
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I to my wife : Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage
Wife : Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her .
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I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
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Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
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I to Wife : But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
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I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink .
.
.
.
.
.
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard .
.
.
.
.
.
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
I to Wife: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that
again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
.
.
.
.
.
.
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
.
.
.
.
.
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
.
I to Wife : (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
.
.
.
.
.
.
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside .
.
.
.
.
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk .
.
.
.
.
.
Chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take...... never take ..... never take what??? I
never
take a potato I think...

******************************************

Woes of a Software Engineer

Once up on a time:
@home town:
Cousins/relations/family frnds: enti babu weekend ani intiki vachava...s/w company lo Pani Chesthunav antaga....?? Baagane isthunattu vunaru ga.... inkenti settle ipoyavu kada... pelli sangathi enti...?? Entha lo vunnaru mi amma vaalu (katnam.)..? S/w engineer e kada bagane vundidi le Ni rate....
@hydbad:
Auto driver: Saab namaste sir....Randi sir kurchondi kurchondi...ekkadiki vellali... ekkadiki Ina min 50 rs/- meekenti sir...monthly oka 25,000 vastai kada... maku ichee 50 emi lekka le meeku...
House owner: enti s/w company lo Pani Chesthunava..?? ithe rent 7,000/- every three months ki meeku hikes (increments) vastai anta kada..so ade vidmaga ma intiki rent kuda 3 months ki okasari 750 increment anamaata.... ina ivi anni meeku oka lekka paada.... meeku 31st nite ki nite oka 30,000 vastai anta kada...
Shop owner: sir s/w employee ayyi vundi inka 25 rs/kg rice vaaduthunaru enti sir..... idigo s/w employees kosam 47 rs/kg rice sir.... asalu meeru atu itu thiriganavasaram ledu .....Thinna ventane ade digest ipothundi sir...asalike s/w vaalu oka chair lo ne kurchuntaru anta kada etu thiraga kunda....sir inka latest imported perfumes kuda vachai sir..okati theskoni velli try cheyyandi...taruvaatha meeku nachina flavours theskoni vellachu...ina mi daggara money ekkadiki poyyidi sir....

Now.........
@home town:
cousins/relations/family frnds: enti babu intiki vachavu....kompa theesi thesesara enti..?? aha ante emi ledu ee madya andarini thesesthunaru kada..andukani.. ina enduku ayya aa s/w job lu.. epudu thesestaro telidu,vunchutharo telidu... inka mi job ke security lenappudu inka meeru pelli chesukoni emi vuddaristharu... asalu meeku mundu ammai ni evaru istaru le...
auto driver: sir mari chi..chi veedini sir enti inka....idigo chudu thammudu ee auto velladu kani mundu ku poyyi bus stop lo nuncho.. nenu adiginantha iche situation lo nuvvu levu le kani..lite thesko......
House owner: babu memu illu families ki iddam anukuntunamu.... so meeru tvaraga kaali cheyyandi... ina batchelors ki intha pedda flat avasaram ledu anukunta....koncham chinna room lu vunte chuskoni...urgent ga emi kadu le..oka 5 or 6 days lo vacate cheyyandi...
shop owner: rey evaru akkada.... vachina vadiki enni kgs/rice(25 rs vi) kavalo chusi ichi pampandi..money isthene ivvandi....appu ledu ani clear ga cheppandi...
idi neti s/w employee jeevitham...
S/w employees aa ..??? Meekenti keka ani maku leni pogaru theppinchedi meere... inka mi pani ipoindi ga ani chulakana chesi navvedi meere...s/w companies kuda ninnati daaka velaki velu ichi eroju nunchi inka raaku ani enduku cheptaro telidu...INDIA lo aa employee ni reason cheppakunda theseshte vaala employee unions vurkovu... kevalam s/w employees ki oka union lekapovatame oka karanama..??

******************************************

Men always have better Friends

Men always have better friends....
They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!
Here's an example:-


Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the
very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment
overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none
of them confirmed that she was with them.


Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the
very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that he
stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 claimed that he is
still with them!!

******************************************

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if
You tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible
.
.
.
.
Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles. ;)
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

******************************************

Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull"

******************************************

FUNNY CONVERSATIONS

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??


Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.


Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.


Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?


It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

******************************************

1 Day, a teacher asked students: Come on children, tell me what will you do to get yourself on TV when you grow up? What career will you go for?
1 little boy said: I will become an anchor.
1 little girl said: I will become a model.
Another boy said: I will become a VJ.
Others said many such as: I will become a TV actor, a singer, participants and so on...
1 kid said: i will become a press reporter. Teacher asked: what a good idea. No one thought of it to become a reporter and serve the nation in a good way!
Kid said: well, it's a future and i cant say whether i will be a good reporter or a bad one!
Teacher said: why?
Kid said: To become a good reporter, i can only be there for the while and can only be shown on just 1 channel (with which i am working) but being a bad repoter, i can throw a shoe on any political leader and can grab attention of everyone (all channels and entire world).

******************************************

Some children were lined up in the cafeteria of a school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A teacher made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching".
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child shouted and tells other students: "Take all if you want. God is watching the apples".

******************************************

Father seeing his kid wasn’t studying but playing on a previous day of his board exams. Father got frustrated and started shouting at his kid. He said aggressively,“you don’t learn the things. You don’t want to give exams! You want to skip and reappear next year! Have you gone mad? How can you be so irresponsible!”
Slowly, he started and tried to explain his kid, “You have to concentrate on your studies. This is your age to study and gain more knowledge. You know what? When Jawaharlal Nehru was studying at your age, he was a brilliant student; he was always getting a top rank in his class”.
Son said calmly, “......and daddy, when he was at your age; he was a PRIME MINISTER of India”.

******************************************

A friend to another friend: bill gates ki mummy agar bore ho gai to usko kya bolte hain?
Second: muje kya pata yar, yeh bhi koi sawaal hain?
First: tuje to pataa hona chahiye, tu to software engineer hain na!!
Second: to kya hua, ye koi program thodi na hain – bill gates ki mummy agar bore ho gai to usse kya kehte hain ye muje kya pata!!
First: easy hain yar – agar bill gates ki mummy bore ho jati hain to usse “motherboard” (mother bored) kehte hain

******************************************

Top 5 Funny Names of Shops:
1.Gandhiji Hair Dresers..
2.Sri Gomateshwara Textile..
3.Govinda Finance..
4.Vykunta Clinic..
5.Parvathamma Fitness Centre.

******************************************

Q - insaan aur gadhe mein kya fark hota hain?
A - gadhe ko pata hota hain ke woh gadhaa hi rehne wala hain par insaan ko pata nahi hota ke woh aur kitni baar gadhaa banne wala hain!!!

******************************************

1st Person: Insaan aur gadhe me kya fark hain?
2nd Person: Gadhe ko 2 aankh, 2 kaan, 1 naak aur 1 muh hota hain.
1st Person: Woh to insaano ko bhi hota hain.
2nd Person: Tabhi to pataa nahi chalta ke insaan hain ke gadhaa hain

******************************************

Hum unki yaad me itna roye,itna roye ke ro ro kar bucket bhar gayi...
Woh saali itni bewafa nikli,ke bucket leke toilet chali gayi....
Sardar got a job in AIRTel customer care
custmr: Hello my AIRTEL sim lockd wht 2 Do?
Srd: y do u take tention man remov airtel sim put BSNL, thnk u 4 caling:-)

******************************************

Teacher: "Pintu, what is the past participle of the verb 'To Ring'?"
Pintu: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I dont think...., I KNOW!"
Pintu: "I dont think I know either, Sir!"

******************************************

1 day an international cricketer comes to India tour and visiting a restaurant.
Name: Golden India
Tagline: We dont talk, We treat (Means... we dont waste time talking and gossipping in kitchen but we work harder and smarter to treat our guests faster and we treat well)
He calls a waitor, "Hey waitor... get me tandoori chicken and a bottle of wine. and get me fast, i gotta go"
Waitor returns back after 8 minutes, and serves tandoori chicken.
Cricketer shouts - "bastard, get me a bottle of wine too"
Waitor - "sir, i served tandoori chicken and now i am going to serve you a bottle of wine as well. i cannot serve both at the same time. let me go back and get you a bottle of wine"
Cricketer - "go back and get it fast, bastard"
Waitor - "sir, dont talk like this. we respect you and expect the same in return"
Cricketer - "this is the way to talk to bastards"
Waitor slaps cricketer and when he stands up to defense, waitor kicks him out and says...
"At your service. Anytime. We dont talk. We treat people"
speaks slowly "....and that is our way to treat bastards"

******************************************

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

******************************************

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

******************************************

English Panchtantra:
(There was a story of a clever crow which drink water by throwing stones into a bottle)
How to say it in english?
One was Kauwa
Sitting on Degda
He was very Pyasa
Here and there Bhatka
He saw a Matka
Some patthar Patka
Little paani Gatka
Flying flying Satka

******************************************

Common Factor:
Q: Tere aur Amitabh Bachchan me common baat / common factor kya hain?
A: Naa tu use SMS karta hain aur naa hi wo tumhe karta hain.

******************************************

Fizaon ke badalne ka intezar na kar, Aandhiyon ke rukne ka intezar na kar, Channel badal aur FTV laga le bachha, ESPN par Sania ke jhukne ka intezar na kar.

******************************************

1 din 1 friend apne apartment ki balcony me khada tha aur usne doosre friend ko dekha ke usne phone booth par uska owner tha usko suddenly 2 thappad laga diye without any reason.
1st friend thought to help and started going downstair. Before he reaches, 2nd friend already came to his apartment.
1st friend ne pucha – tune usko bina koi reason thappad kyun mara?
2nd friend bola – me to sirf call karne gaya tha lekin wo phone ke baaju me betha tha aur usne hi waha pe likha tha – “number dial karne se pehle 2 lagaaye”

******************************************

Naughty New Nursery Rhyme
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, 3 damn kids.
1 from my neighbour,
1 from my maid and
1 from the prostitute who never got paid!

******************************************

Madhur Bhandarkar is selecting such the toughest names for his movies  lol
for a movie on bar girl's life, he named his movie - CHANDNI BAR
for a movie on Page 3 people's personal and professional life, he named his movie - PAGE 3
for a movie on corporate world and their love/hate, he named his movie - CORPORATE
for a movie of the people's life on traffic signals, he named his movie - TRAFFIC SIGNAL
for a movie which shows inside out of fashion industry, he named his movie - FASHION
and now -
for a movie on prisoners' life in jail, he has chosen a name of his upcoming movie - JAIL

******************************************

Dentist: 3000 Rs. for the dental extraction.
Patient: 3000 Rs. for just a few minutes of work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like!

******************************************

Patient: Doctor, are you sure I am suffering from pneumonia? Because a doctor treated one of my friends for pneumonia but he died of typhus.
Doctor: Dont worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he/she will die of pneumonia.

******************************************

BRUCE LEE  Favourites

Vegetables-MU LEE

Breakfast-ID LEE

Festival-DIWALEE 

Music-QAWA LEE Film-COO LEE

  Animal-BIL LEE

Time Pass-KHUJ LEE

******************************************

Money Can Buy

House but Not Home 

Bed but Not Sleep

Medicine but Not Health

Money is Dirty

it only Causes Pain & Sufferings

then Send Ur Money & Be Happy 

******************************************

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock: What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock: O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Moral - Don’t mess with old people. They are old but more experienced in life !!!

******************************************

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ’start’ but there is no ’stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’ he ran up to Amritsar!
So, we request you to change that to ’sit’, so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system?
I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word‘ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE‘ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

******************************************

JOKE: Difference between WORK and PRISON
In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.
In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.
In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.

******************************************

Good, Bad and Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
UGLY: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
UGLY: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.

******************************************

Childhood Beliefs

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes.  The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could see no one there.  The husband called out and no one answered.

Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful", he answered.

The wife, said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself."the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed.

The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.  The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

******************************************

Resuscitation

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror."Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

******************************************

Proud of Son
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says,"Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?  Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

******************************************

Wrong Gift

For a wedding present Brambilla gave his son Aldo two hundred dollars.Two weeks after he asked him, "What-a you do with-a the money?"

"I bought a wristwatch, papa," said the boy.

"Stupido!" cried his father.  "You should-a bought a rifle!"

"A rifle?!  What for?"

"Suppose-a some day you come-a home and find a man sleeping with your wife-a," explained the father.  "What-a you gonna do?  Wake him up-a and tell-a him what-a time it is-a?"

******************************************

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
SAFER:      Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:     Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER:      Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:     Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS:  What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:      Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:     Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:      You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:     Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:      I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST:     I've always loved you in that robe.

******************************************

 

 

Hope these are enough :)

Must have take one hell of a time to load, didn’t it?? I could have added more.

Can’t

help it…. hehe…..

My fingers are killing me. And I don’t think you too would want any more….

 

Let me know if you wanna read more…

Njoy.

Keep Smiling.

Its good for health.