Murphy’s Laws: Very Funny & True

 

Murphy’s law is an epigram that goes something like this:

“Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”


Its a simple statement, that has very far reaching applications (and most of them are downright hilarious). Normally when a theory is published or put forth, it is tested in practical areas. But this Murphy’s law can be seen in almost everything in our daily life making it a converse of the regular scenario. You wouldn’t believe in how many ways the Murphy’s law has been repeated. I’ve spent over two weeks collecting different ‘versions’ of Murphy’s law (most of them from this site) and arranging them in a readable format. I am sure that everyone who’s reading this might have ATLEAST a 100 of the below laws that exactly apply to them. I tried not to post too many pictures (as I usually do) in this article, as it already has a ‘lot to load’.  I really really like this law as I apply this (honest) at every crossroads.

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Murphy's laws

Murphy's nurses laws

Printing Laws

Murphy's technology laws

Murphy's bus laws

Copiers laws

Murphy's Computers Laws

Murphy's lotto laws

Sports laws

Murphy's commerce laws

Murphy's cowboy action shooting (CAS) laws

Repairmen laws

Murphy's Real Estate laws

Murphy's cars laws

Mechanics Laws

Murphy's teaching laws

4X4 Section

TV Laws

College Student Laws

Murphy's toddlers laws

Gravity Laws

Murphy's war law

Murphy's EMT laws

Travel Laws

Laws of War for Helicopters

Murphy's graphic design laws

Scouting Laws

Laws of War for Tanks

Murphy's mothers laws

Alarm clock laws

Laws of the Marine Corp

Murphy's scouts laws

Microbiology Laws

Law of Fighting Airplanes

Murphy's political laws

Jagged Alliance 2 Laws

Saddam's First (and last) Law of War

Murphy's golf laws

Role-Playing by Internet Message Board laws

Laws of Desert Combat

Murphy's employees laws

Unformatted Character Sheets laws

Laws of War in Iraq

Murphy's office laws

Transformers laws

Murphy's cops laws

Murphy's laws of music

Game Mastering Laws

Murphy's military police laws

Murphy's horse laws

Elevator laws

Murphy's sewing laws

Murphy's martial arts laws

Communication laws

Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws

Murphy's miscellaneous laws

Health laws

Murphy's photography laws

Rental laws

Miscellaneous laws

   

Murphy’s Love Laws

 

Murphy's laws

  • If anything can go wrong, it will  This is the first piece I recreated after losing my portfolio. Originally done in '93.
    Corollary: It can
    Corollary: It should
    Corollary: At the most inopportune time
    Extension: it will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
    Extreme version:
    If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the FIRST to go wrong
  • If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
  • If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
    Corollary: It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault, without breaking the fix on one or more of the others
  • Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
  • Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
    Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
  • Mother nature is a bitch
    Addendum: and not an obedient one at that
  • Things get worse under pressure.
  • Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
  • Everything goes wrong all at once.
  • Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
  • Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
  • Research supports a specific theory depending on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
  • In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
  • Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  • Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
    Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
  • Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Everything takes longer than it takes.
  • If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  • Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
  • Every solution breeds new problems.
  • The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
  • No matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up.
  • You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  • The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  • The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  • A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
  • A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it.
  • A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried).
  • A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).
  • If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process.
  • A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain, for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running.
  • If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground.
  • If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot, it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield.
  • The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it.
  • You will always find something in the last place you look.
  • If your looking for more than one thing, you'll find the most important one last.
  • It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt.
  • After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll find the original.
  • You have to look where you lost it.
  • No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
  • The other line always moves faster.
  • In order to get a personal loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
  • Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
  • If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
  • If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  • When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
  • Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
  • Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
  • In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
  • There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
  • When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
  • Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  • Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
  • A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  • In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  • Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
  • Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • No good deed goes unpunished.
  • Where patience fails, force prevails.
  • "Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.
  • Heisenberg indetermination principle applied to ill luck:
    The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you,
    the worse you know when this will happen,
    and vice-versa.
    and Relativistic correction of Murphy's law:
    Whether things can go wrong or not, it depends on your frame of reference.
    Corollary (otherwise said: ill luck is actually absolute):
    Regardless of your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway.
  • If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
  • If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.
  • When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested.
  • Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.
  • Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect; Whatever you do will always come back.
  • If you re-act to actions, you've acted on actions.
  • He who angers you controls you, there-fore you have no control over your anger.
  • Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.
  • Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.
  • The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress.
  • No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string.
    (getting everyone in the family to the car at the same time for example)
  • The fish are always biting....yesterday!
  • You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time.
  • The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind.
  • Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
  • The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks.
  • When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.
    Or in another version
    The light at the end of the tunnel is a train
  • Being dead right, won't make you any less dead.
    and
    Having the right of way, won't make you any less dead.
  • Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
  • Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it.
  • Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be.
  • The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is.
  • The probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions
  • If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers.
  • A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation.
  • If you apply Murphy's Law, it will no longer be applicable.
  • If you say something, and stake your reputation on it, you will lose your reputation.
  • No matter where I go, there I am
  • Where patience fails, force prevails.
  • Any thing that can go wrong, HAS Already Gone Wrong!
    You just haven't been notified.
  • The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
    Said by Isaac Asimov
  • A former colleague of Russell Cooper once claimed that Murphy had plagiarized his "Gamble's Law" which says that "The letter box is always on the other side of the road"
  • If many things can go wrong, they will all go wrong at the same time.
  • If anything can go wrong, it will happen to the crankiest person.
  • Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
  • You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.
  • If authority was mass, stupidity would be gravity.
  • All good things come to those who wait...
    but , don't wait too long or they will pass you by...
    like 2 ships that pass in the night...
    never again to return that same exact site.
  • If anything was worth doing, it would've already been done.
    Corollary: Nothing is worth doing.
  • You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water
  • Ants will always infest the nearest food cupboard.
  • Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.
  • No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts.
    Translation: You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless you're still screwed.
  • Things always go from bad to worse.
  • Beauty is only skin deep, fashion even shallower.
  • An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor.
  • All pornography is air-brushed or computer-enhanced.
  • A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.
  • "We can give you a diploma, but we can't give you a brain."
  • Don't get into a pissing contest with a skunk.
  • Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.
  • Garbage abhors a vacuum. It will grow to fill available space.
    Corollary: The more space you have, the more junk you'll have.
  • Paper is always strongest at the perforation.
  • Things are never as good as they are bad.
  • Chaos always wins, because it's better organized.
  • Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else.
  • A bird in the hand is messy.
  • The mud that won't come off on the doormat immediately adheres to the carpet.
  • When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them.
  • If Murphy's law is correct, everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide into the Atlantic - Steven Wright
  • If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will.
    Cheer up, the worst is yet to come...
  • If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
  • Mrs. Murphy's Law:
    If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town....
  • If all else fails, hit it with a big hammer.
  • You cannot force Murphy's Law to happen and you can't use it in reverse.
  • When something goes wrong, you cannot find the solution in the instruction booklet, but someone else always does.
  • Everything in life is important, important things are simple, simple things are never easy.
    Think about it, complete the circle.
  • It takes forever to learn the rules and once you've learned them they change again.
  • The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds,
    the pessimist fears this is true.
  • You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it.
  • It always takes longer than you think, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
  • In Las Vegas, wherever you want to go in a casino, it's as far as possible from where you are, no matter where you are.
  • The wind will always blow opposite to your hairdo
  • Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.
  • The probability of the toast landing peanut-butter-side-down is directly proportionate to the cost of the carpeting.
  • Window polishing:
    It's always on the other side.
  • Anyone who isn't paranoid simply isn't paying attention.
  • Minor problem isn't.
  • A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers.
  • If a valuable falls in a hard to reach place at a distance shorter than the tip of your finger, as soon as you try to reach it you'll push it to that distance.
  • If it looks good,
    And it taste good,
    And it feels good,
    There has got to be something wrong some where,
    So be careful.
  • Two heads are better than one, even if one is a sheep head.
  • The probability of rain is inversely proportional to the size of the umbrella you carry around with you all day.
  • No matter how hard you try, every once in a while, something is going right.
  • Behind every little problem there's a larger problem, waiting for the little problem to get out of the way.
    When you really need something, its either not available, or can't be found.  When you don't need it, its either available, or lays around in plain sight.
  • Whenever you cut your finger nails, you find a need for them an hour later.
  • In order for something to get clean, something else must get dirty.
    It is possible for everything to get dirty and nothing to get clean.
  • The file you are looking for is always at the bottom of the largest pile.
  • Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
  • The likelihood of something happening is in inverse proportion to the desirability of it happening.
  • Uffelman's Razor:
    [Given Murphy's law, ...] One should not attribute to evil design any unfortunate result which can be attributed to error. A mistake (or series of mistakes) is the simpler and more likely explanation.
    Conspiracy Corollary to Uffelman's Razor:
    Nothing should be attributed to conspiracy that can be explained by error or a succession of errors.
  • Example 1: The alleged conspiracy to "fake" the Apollo moon landing.
    Such an undertaking would be so likely to result in multiple glitches that it would be nearly impossible to pull off. Thus, conspiracy is an unlikely explanation of events. Accordingly, the "evidence" of the "faked" landing is more likely a result of the errors of those interpreting the evidence than of the evil design of the alleged conspirators.
  • Example 2: The Warren Report.
    Any open questions in the Warren Report are more likely the result of the errors of the Warren commission, or the errors of those interpreting the Warren Report, than the result of a conspiracy to cover up the true facts.
  • Probability law:
    Probabilities serve only and exclusively to determine the degree of improbability of the catastrophes that actually take place.
    Corollary: If something is likely to happen AND desirable, it won't happen.
  • Common Sense Is Not So Common
  • Power Is Taken... Not Given
  • Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or four.
  • If the truth is in your favor no one will believe you.
  • When things go from bad to worse, the cycle repeats.
  • Laws are like a spider web, in that it snares the poor and weak while the rich and powerful brake them.
  • Key to happiness is to be O.K. with not being O.K.
  • The two most abundant things in all the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
    and another version to this law
    The most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, stupidity and opinions.
  • Stupidity is the fundamental driving force of the Universe, which explains why stupid people always go wrong.
  • Every rule has an exception except the Rule of Exceptions.
  • If your action has a 50% possibility of being correct, you will be wrong 75% of the time.
  • If you plan for something to go wrong, and it doesn't go wrong, it would have been ultimately profitable for it to go wrong.
  • Common sense isn't.
  • The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its limits.
  • The universe is great enough for all possibilities to exist.
  • Those who don't take decisions never make mistakes.
  • The only price you pay for greatness is knowing that it can't last forever.
  • Anything that cant possible in a million years go wrong, will go wrong.
  • Anything that seems right, is putting you into a false sense of security.
  • If everything seems great, its already gone wrong.
  • The only time you're right, is when its about being wrong.
  • The only times something's right, is when everyone agrees its wrong.
  • If a Murphy law is tried to be used to have a desired outcome, the law will backfire.
  • Its never so bad it couldn't be worse.
  • When saying that things can not possibly get any worse - they will
  • Knowing Murphy's Law will never help.
  • To know Murphy's Law is to draw its attention.
  • If for some reason Murphy's Law fails to operate, it is building up for something big.
  • As above, so below.
  • The big catastrophes are made up of smaller ones.
  • Buddha's Version of Murphy's Law
    Decay is inherent in all things, strive unceasingly.
  • Nothing ever gets better.
  • Given time one can develop a sense of how Murphy's Law will act, but the Murphy Sense will tingle only after it is too late to keep the excreta from impacting the rotating blade based wind generator.
  • The probability that something can go wrong is directly proportional to the square of the amount of inconvenience it can cause you
  • Everything that could possibly go wrong for anyone else always seems to happen to you
  • In any particular situation, if three things can go wrong, they usually do in sequence, each facilitating the occurrence of the next
  • Mr. Murphy warning:
    Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy
  • Mrs. Murphy's Law:
    If something goes wrong, it's Mr. Murphy's fault.
  • Mrs. Murphy's Law
    If anything can go wrong it will, and when it does, the woman will get the blame
  • The person ahead of you in the queue, will have the most complex transaction possible
  • Every problem is replaceable with a bigger one.
  • Another name for Murphy's law: The law of conservation of misery
  • If in a particular circumstance Murphy's law don't apply, then something must be wrong
  • If Murphy's law is right then it will go wrong
  • The more important it is to get to a website, the greater the chance the server is down.
  • The More the number of laws you claim to have, the more the number of laws you are going to miss.
  • This site won't open when you want to show someone what exactly Murphy laws are
  • Remember:
    Shit happens
  • Murphy's law is intrinsic.
  • And on the eighth day God said;"O.K. Murphy, you take over!
  • The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.
  • The road to success is always under construction
  • If in a series events that could have gone wrong and didn't, It will have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong in the first place.
  • Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you.
  • Whatever was supposed to happen, won't
  • You can't expect the unexpected, otherwise there would be no need for the word unexpected
  • You cant reason with the stupid
  • If you lose something that is replaceable (textbooks, clothing etc) as soon as you buy a replacement the original will surface.
  • In any given situation, people will act so as to display the maximum possible amount of stupidity for that situation.
    Clemens' Law short form
    People are stupid.
  • What goes in must come out.
    Unless it's the other way around.
  • Better to be a pessimist than an optimist because when you say the glass is half empty it will have to be refilled
  • Sooner or later, you will spill your beer
  • West is always East of somewhere
  • Instruction manuals are for losers
  • You're only lost if you admit it
  • If gravity is all around us, why can't you push a fat dog down the stairs?
  • A spoon placed in the sink will locate to maximize splash from the faucet
  • All horizontal surfaces shall be filled to capacity
  • Anything worth doing is well worth over-doing
    Reply:
    Anything over-done isn't worth the extra effort
  • It's no the drop that kills you.... its the sudden stop
  • When things are going right, you won't notice
  • The cleverness of Murphy's Laws is inverse proportion to the number of laws
  • The entropy of the universe tends to a maximum
  • Murphy was an optimist
    Well, there are a lot of people who think he was an optimist, aren't there?
    Or in other words:
    someone else always seems to get the credit for your work.
    The harder you work the more people there will be to claim credit except when it backfires.
    You get all the credit for the dumb move.
    Murphy was an extreme optimist!
  • And we'll end this page with something optimistic (don't hit me).
    Don't worry about Murphy's Law, you know it's gonna happen anyway, so just get on with it and get it over with!

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Murphy's technology laws

  • Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 
  • Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  • If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  • The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
  • The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
  • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
  • Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
  • Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
  • Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  • All's well that ends.
  • A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • The first myth of management is that it exists.
  • A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
  • New systems generate new problems.
  • To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
  • We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
  • Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Arthur C. Clark
  • A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
  • Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
  • Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
  • The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
  • To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
  • After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
  • Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
  • A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
  • If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
  • Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  • .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
  • Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
  • The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
  • In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
  • Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
  • All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
  • The only perfect science is hind-sight.
  • Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
  • If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • When all else fails, read the instructions.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • Everything that goes up must come down.
    Corollary: Not always
  • Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
  • Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
  • Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
  • The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
  • A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
  • There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
  • The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
  • If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
    1. no longer need it
    2. are in the middle of something else
    3. don't want it to be fixed, because you really don't want to do what you were supposed to do
  • Each profession talks to itself in it's own language, apparently there is no Rosetta Stone
  • The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker
  • It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
  • Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it
  • You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
    Only by the splatter of the blood stains
  • If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
  • A screw will never fit a nut.
  • Standard parts are not.
  • When working on a motor vehicle engine, any tool dropped will land directly under the center of the engine.
  • Interchangeable tapes won't.
  • Never trust modern technology.  Trust it only when it is old technology.
  • The bolt that is in the most awkward place will always be the one with the tightest thread.
  • The most ominous phrase in science: "_Uh_-oh . . ."
  • The 2nd worst thing you can hear the tech say is "Oops!" The worst thing you can hear the tech say is "oh s**t!"
  • Any example of hardware/software can be made fool-proof. It cannot, however, be made damn-fool-proof.
  • When any technological change is made, we have a graphic insult curve. No mater how high the insult curve climb, the important thing is how long it goes.
  • For any given software, the moment you read software reviews and manage to master it, a new version of that software appears.
    Addition:
    The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
  • In today's fast-moving tech environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
  • It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple.
  • Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.
  • In electronics repair the part with the highest failure rate will always be located in the least accessible area of the equipment.
  • Multi-million pound technology is worthless in the hands of morons.
  • The rule of Protection:
    If you install a 50¢ fuse to protect a 100$ component, the 100$ component will blow to protect the 50¢ fuse.
  • Karl Imhoff was a German engineer who developed sewage treatment systems in the early 1900's.  His biggest contribution was the Imhoff Tank, which allows sewage to settle.  The Imhoff Law relates to bosses everywhere.  The law goes as follows:
    The largest chunks always rise to the top.
  • High tech man-year = 730 people trying to finish a project before lunch.
  • An expert will always state the obvious.
  • The boss is always right.
    Corollary: If the boss is wrong, refer back to the rule.
  • On a cruise ship, the one, most important part you don't have in stock always breaks on a Friday evening, just when you left harbor and the next time you will be in harbor is a Sunday or Christmas eve.
  • The chance a copy machine will brake down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
  • Maintenance department neglect customer's complains till it starts installations in customer's new projects.
  • Murphy's Law on HVAC systems:
    An HVAC (Heating Ventilating and Air Conditioning) engineering firm, will invariably lease office space in a building with a lousy HVAC system.
    All the engineers can do is shiver or sweat and moan about it, and say how they would fix it if the building owner actually gave a damn.
  • The probability any machine breaks down increases with the importance of expected visit.
  • If it works in theory, it won't work in practice.
    If it works in practice it won't work in theory.
  • No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
  • No part ever fails where you can reach it, or where there is enough light to see how to replace it.
  • Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage.
  • Any wire cut to length will be too short.
  • Equivalent replacement parts aren't.
  • When you finally update to a new technology, is when everyone stop supporting it.
  • Interchangeable parts aren't
  • The proposed size of any project is inversely proportional to the size the project will eventually become.
    Corollary: Any project that can consume more resources before reaching it's final state will do so.
    This will happen faster than you think.
    Also, the investors will not be happy.
  • The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.
  • A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.
  • The more knowledge you gained, the less certain you are of it.
  • If you think you understand science (or computers or women), you're clearly not an expert
  • Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology
  • All impossible failures, will happen at the test site.
    Corollary: All impossible failures will happen on the clients desktop
  • The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be on-line.
  • The more important your email is, the worse your email client will screw it up.
  • The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost.
  • A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until it's replaced by an expensive, unobtainable, inefficient component which needs constant servicing.
  • Assaf's Laws of Replacement Parts
    • A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part, but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part
    • The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. But the 25¢ capacitor is either
      • no longer manufactured
      • manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog
      • available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly
  • All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired, unless an extended guarantee has been purchased.
  • Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, humidity, pressure, etc., the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • First Law of Linear Equations:
    Given any system n linear equations, there will be n+1 unknowns
  • The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system
  • The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before
  • The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine.
  • While technology progresses at the speed of light it's implementation is filtered through the speed of bureaucracy
  • In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.
  • Never underestimate incompetency

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Murphy's Computers Laws

  • Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  • Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
  • If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  • If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  • Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
  • The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
  • Every non trivial program has at least one bug
    Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
    Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
  • Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
  • The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
    Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
  • A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
  • A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
  • A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
  • Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
  • Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  • Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
  • The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
  • The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.
  • A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.
  • No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
  • Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
  • When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
  • Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
  • If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
  • If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
  • No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
  • All components become obsolete.
  • The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
  • Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.
  • The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
  • It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.
  • Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.
  • Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.
  • If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.
  • A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
  • Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  • A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
  • All Constants are Variables.
  • Constants aren't
  • Variables won't
  • A part dropped from the workbench will roll to a degree of un-reachability proportional to its importance.
  • In a transistor circuit protected by a fuse, the transistor will always blow to protect the fuse.
  • The best way to see your boss is to access the Internet.
    Or...
    No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the Internet.
  • The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.
  • Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.
  • If Murphy's laws are so true then how come I can log onto this site and submi............
    [connection reset - error message 928 ]
  • Any problem, no matter how complex, can be found by simple inspection.
    Corollary: A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately.
  • Each computer code has five bugs, and tis number does not depend on how many bugs have been already found (it is conservative).
  • Profanity is one language all computer users know.
  • The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program.
  • The most ominous words for those using computers:  "Daddy, what does 'Now formatting Drive C mean'?"
  • When putting something into memory, always remember where you put it.
  • Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
  • Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code.
    The conclusion of the last two laws: Every non trivial program can be simplified to one line of code, and it will contain a bug.
  • An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.
  • Debugging is at least twice as hard as writing the program in the first place.
    So if your code is as clever as you can possibly make it, then by definition you're not smart enough to debug it.
  • Bahaman's Law:
    for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version appears.
    Yakko's addition:
    The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
  • Patches - don't.
  • Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem - a screw loose behind the keyboard.
  • Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down.
  • Whenever you need a crucial file from your hard drive, your computer will crash.
  • E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off.
  • A quarantined virus - will be opened.
  • A chain letter - will be sent.  To global.  A dozen times.
  • The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.
  • The chances of getting off work on time is inversely proportional to how much e-mail the boss leaves for until end of the day.
  • The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer.
  • General Fault Errors are the "Check Engine" light of computers. If it can be fixed, chances are it's not by you.
  • A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs.
  • The chances of a program doing what it's supposed to do is inversely proportional to the number of lines of code used to write it.
  • The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it.
  • No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.
  • The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won't run.
  • Failure is not an option, it's included with the software.
  • A program is good when it's bug free - which is impossible.
  • If you forget to save you're work every 5 minutes, it will break down after you've been at it for an hour.
  • It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.
  • The amount of time taken to successfully complete a software project is in direct proportion to the amount of Marketing input.
    Corollary: Marketing should not be located in the same city - much less on the same campus - as Engineering and/or Programming.
  • The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue - usually the wrong one.
  • According to most Tech Support people, the most common user error message (regardless of Operating System) is ID 10T.
    End-users' Corollary 1: most application failures occur between the hours of 2 and 4 am on a Sunday night - with a 6 am Monday deadline for the project.
    End-users' Corollary 2: On the graveyard shift, there's no Tech Support to hear you scream!
  • Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!"
    corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows what's wrong the bug disappears.
  • The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.
  • An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance.
  • The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus
  • If a project is completed on schedule, it wasn't debugged properly.
  • Non Crash Operating System aren't.
  • The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review.
  • The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.
  • If it works, it's production. If it doesn't, it's a test.
  • Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
  • Format C: fixes all
  • Law of Computer Generated Aerodynamics
    Computers suck.
  • Law of Recycling
    A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor.
  • Law of Anti-security
    The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old.
  • Law of Acceleration
    A computer that has surpassed its user's frustration capacity (FC) will accelerate downwards at 9.8 meters per second squared.
  • Computers let you waste time efficiently
  • Make a system even a moron can use and a moron will use it.
  • Make one that requires training or intelligence and only a moron will use it, but there will be more help desk calls.
  • The likelihood of problems occurring is inversely proportional to the amount of time remaining before the deadline.
  • You will always discover errors in your work after you have printed/submitted it.
  • 90% of a programmer errors come from data from other programmers.
  • 'Illegal Error' messages only happen when you forget to save your work
  • If you make the letters in your Word document bigger and then you print it out, you'll have everything on the first page and only one line on the second.
  • the OEM did not actually manufacture the part you need to replace
  • By the time you learn your new computer you'll need a new one.
  • After a software is released, the first bug found will be by a person who normally does not use that portion of the program but was wondering why he can't do something he normally would not do.
  • When the Downloading Window says "99%complete", there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and you'll have to start all over again.
  • Millions of people believe they are animals, but I have yet to meet one that believe in Windows' stability. Even human stupidity has limits ;-)
  • The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours.
  • Plugins Law
    Whenever you install a group of plugins one by one just to find out which one can make your software work, you either haven't gotten the right one, or have accidentally skipped the right one or it has become the last one installed.
  • No matter what problem you have with your computer - Its Always Microsoft's fault
    Corollary: If its not their fault - Blame them anyway :-)
  • You will get disconnected from the Internet or experience a computer crash when you are downloading. If you don't experience one within 80% completion, then it will happen at 99%. If you do manage to get the file, then it will turn out to be completely useless and/or invalid.
  • You'll always receive an e-mail from a web site that you never visit before.
  • 75% of the bugs laws in this page can be applied to MS Windows (Any version).
  • Auto Correct - isn't
  • Microsoft excel- doesn't
  • If you need to shutdown your PC ASAP, It will restart.
  • The quickest way to shutdown a PC is to unplug it.
    Corollary: ACPI shutdown (sometimes faster to get to than the plug) does not always work.
    Corollary: ACPI shutdown will fail most frequently when you run the risk of being caught doing something.
  • No matter how big a hard drive you buy, you'll need to double it in a year.
  • Complete computer breakdown will happen shortly after the maintenance person has left.
  • A virus will be erased when the hard drive crashes, making it useless for antivirus program to fix it.
  • The problem always exists between one keyboard and it's respective chair.
  • A program that compile on the first run has an error in the algorithm
  • Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen.
  • The smaller the size of your email account, the more junk mail you will get
  • The boss will always come to your workspace when you accidentally open an adult link
  • The more pop-up screens you have, the more likely the boss will come by
  • A computer is only as smart as the person using it
  • If it ain't broke, Overclock it!
  • If you're in a hurry, your computer will crash, a hard drive will become corrupted, or your files will be erased. Any way, you're screwed if you have a deadline.
  • Investment in software reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors.
  • Computer sadism: When the computer causes physical or mental damage to a person and can't receive such a return favor (due to management rules).
  • Computer masochism: When a computer takes all the abuse you think you can give it and continues working as it should.
  • The sound of grinding metal or the sight of smoke coming from a case is a warning that you are trying to do too much with too little.
  • The survivability of a system is directly proportional to the price of the cooling system applied to it and inversely proportional to the amount of use it sees.
  • Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime.
  • The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there.
  • The amount of damage that a string of code can do is inversely proportional to the length of the string
  • You only receive instant messaging, when working on a project that's due instantly
  • When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user
  • There is an inverse relationship between an organization's hierarchy and its understanding of computers.
  • Pioneers get arrows
  • The smallest problems will immediately be brought to the attention of the CEO, but the big problems will be ignored until the affected system goes down.
  • Leet speak is nothing more than some poor fool's attempt to type really, really fast.
  • Computers never work the way they are supposed to. Especially when nothing is wrong with them.
  • A program will work the you think is should only when you don't care if it does.
  • Software does not fail when the technician is in the room.
  • as soon as you download a big file, your computer with shut down
  • The longer the e-mail, the greater the chance it will not make it to its detination, for whatever reason
  • If you were preventive enough to save a copy of anything, you will not need it. Therefore - Not saving a copy of anything is directly proportional to the value of the information lost and the amount of time invested in gathering and typing it
  • Proof-read all e-mails three or four times before sending it. All errors are detected immediatly after being sent
  • Murphy works for Microsoft. In fact, he is in charge of their QA
  • the chance to lose data is inversely proportional to the number people in the room when updating a simple server program
  • Good enough - isn't, unless there is a deadline.
  • Don't take it personally, stupid

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Murphy's commerce laws

  • The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
  • If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
  • A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
  • Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
  • When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
  • There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  • The boss is always right.
  • Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
  • Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
  • Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
  • Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  • To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
  • In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended.
  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
  • There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
  • The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  • If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
  • People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  • People are always available for work in the past tense.
  • People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
  • No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
  • Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
  • No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
  • The longer the title, the less important the job.
  • Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
  • Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays.
  • An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
  • Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
  • The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay - provided the profits allow it.
  • All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
  • Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
  • The value of any job task is inversely proportional to its deadline.
  • When you see an item in the flyer, by the time you get to the store its either sold out or the price has doubled.
  • The person at the meeting or discussion who is right will be the person who is not listened and will later be blamed for coming up with the bad idea.
  • Just when you have no cash, you are in great pain and got to the bank to find the bank computers offline.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice as fast as checks.
  • No man is an island, until it comes to paying the bills
  • If you have a little extra money to blow, something will break, and cost more than that little extra.
  • If you don't want it, there is plenty of it; If you really need it, they're all out of it.
    The more you like a product, the more likely it will be discontinued.
  • If you are shopping to find a certain thing, no matter how simple it may be, no matter where you go, you will find every conceivable thing except that which you are looking for.
  • The one time you didn't make a copy of your 1040, that's the one the IRS did not receive.
  • I'm as good as my Employer
  • Slog all day and no-one notices, take a 5 minute breather to play Window's Solitaire and the boss silently appears behind you.
  • All urgent and critical reports are handed out on Friday evening and are due first thing Monday morning.
  • The best time to ask for a raise is when everything has gone wrong and your boss is in a panic mode.
    Corollary 1:
    Never ask for a raise after you have successfully completed a project.
    Corollary 2:
    If you do it right the first time, you will not be asked to resolve the problem and therefore will not be in a position to ask for a raise.
  • Expenses rise to exceed income.
  • Just In Time inventory isn't
  • In a line the biggest order is in the front, and the customer has coupons and wants to write a check.
  • in a 24 hour store, there are 5 customers in the store and they always come to the register at the same time. (and again the customer with the largest order is the first one in line)
  • What you don't know, will cost you a lot of money.
  • It is no disgrace to be poor, but it is awfully inconvenient.
  • When in trouble change the subject. However, this may lead the subject to another one of your offenses.
  • When in trouble do what you can. If that fails try what you can't. If that fails give yourself an A for effort and run like hell with pride!
  • You pay peanuts and you get monkeys. In some organizations you pay doughnuts and you still get monkeys.
  • The Customer is always unhappy about your product and service.
  • Little things make a lot more of a difference; but the little things don't get as much recognition.
  • The pressure of responsibility taking a difficult decision is the result of a division between its importance and the number of participant persons.
  • Excess of analysis causes paralysis
  • The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how useful it is.
  • The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how well it works
  • Procedures should not be used as a substitute for thought.
  • One's willingness to do something is inversely proportional to:
    A) the need for it to be done.
    B) the number of people who are relying on that person to do it.
  • When you see the shit is about to hit the fan, shut your mouth.
  • The smaller the dollar amount of a contract the longer it will take to negotiate.
  • One learns at least as much about management from poor managers as from good ones.
  • The more complicated the job is the less time and useful information you will be given.
  • If the salesperson says, "All you have to do is..." you know you're in trouble.
  • When a customer says, "It's perfect except..." you know it will be necessary to rebuild the whole piece.
  • The number of open service windows at banks, post offices, airline counters, etc... always equals [n/2 - m], n being the total number of windows and m being a random number between 1 and the total number of windows minus 1.
  • The simpler and quicker your transaction, the more complex and time-consuming the transaction of the person immediately ahead of you in the line.
  • When you stand at your counter for hours on end and then go to break, that's when the customer comes and rings the bell for help.
  • Any item that you want to purchase from a catalog will always be out of stock at the time you want to buy it.
  • If your Check-Book and Bank-Balance Sheet agree... Re-Do-It... You Goofed Up
    This is from my own experience over the past 50+ years!
  • "Billing Statements do not provide 'Actual Posting Dates' They reflect 'Accurate Posting Dates'"
    This was contained within a reply from a Retail Credit Account Analyst of a major Banking Establishment
  • The severity of a sales problem is inversely proportional to the distance from nearest support office

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Murphy's Real Estate laws

  • That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell, ... and several of his friends, ... the very next week.
  • Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later.
  • If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building.
  • Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you.
  • Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas.
  • When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchanger.
  • At least one tenant's check will be "lost in the mail" every month.
  • Every lost pet will find its way to your rental.
  • The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there.
  • A tenant's ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when the move in than when they move out.
  • Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets.
  • Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home.
  • The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenant’s possessions on the curb.
  • Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in.
  • When a tenant calls and says, "Hi, how are you?" something is drastically wrong.
  • If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet.
  • If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants.
  • If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units.
  • Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet

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Murphy's teaching laws

  • The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong. 
  • Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
  • A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
  • The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
  • A meeting's length will be directly +9proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.
  • Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
  • The problem child will be a school board member's son.
  • When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
  • If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
  • New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
  • Good students move away.
  • When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
  • The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
  • The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
  • The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
  • Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
  • On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
  • If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
  • Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
  • Weiner's Law of Libraries
    There are no answers, only cross references.
  • Laws of Class Scheduling
    1. If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
    2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
      Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
    3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
  • Laws of Applied Terror
    1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
    2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
    3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
    4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian.
      Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
    5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
      Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
      Corollary: If the test is on-line, you will forget your password
    6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
  • First Law of Final Exams
    Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
    Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
  • Second Law of Final Exams
    In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
  • Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
  • You never catch on until after the test.
  • The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester.
  • Rule of the Term Paper
    The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
    Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.
  • The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
    Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work.
  • The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
  • The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
  • The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
  • No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.
  • You won't find the books you checked out for that big project until after either the project or the books were due.
  • The library will close 5 minutes before you remember that you left your book bag inside.
    Corollary: It will be Saturday, and it won't open until Monday.
    Corollary: Your half-finished term paper (due Monday morning) and all your research, will be inside.
  • All librarians will be happy to help when you don't need it, but will vanish when you have a question about the Dewey Decimal system.
  • Dewey was drunk when he made the decimal system.
  • When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
  • If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.
  • The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.
  • You can't misspell numbers when you write them as digits.
  • The back of the room is never far enough.
  • Students will never fail to disappoint.
  • The English language, e.g. It's a problem when its be right
  • Demerits from a teacher you hate are put on your permanent record.
  • Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more.
  • The examination paper is always easier when you are not taking it.
  • Law of the Compounding of Murphy's Law:
    All that has been accomplished by the insertion of the computer into the classroom is the combining of two areas covered under Murphy's Law.
  • Law of Universal Intelligence:
    The most ill-behaved student in all of a teacher's classes is always one of the bright ones he can't flunk.
  • Law of Behavioral Management:
    Nothing gets their attention like placing your nails on the chalkboard.
  • Law of Parental Dynamics:
    The worst chew-out from parents always comes from an incident their child lied about.
  • Law of Inanimate Motion, also called the "Tendency to Sprout Legs":
    Anything that is not firmly secured in place, regardless of size, will find its way out of the room.
    Addendum: And cause a problem across the hall.
    Corollary: The likelihood of an object's disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across the hall.
  • In the eyes of your professor, you are ALWAYS wrong, so don't bother trying.
  • No matter how much you study for a test you will be asked a question that you don't know.
  • When you study for easy tests is when you fail miserably, but when you don't study for the hard ones, it's when you pass with 100%.
  • When there's a teacher that everyone says you want, you end up with the ones you don't want. And when you do get the ones that you want, it's when they end up changing their ways, and decide to make the class really hard.
  • If you know you are correct, then you aren't.
  • To know much sleep less.
  • You're not young enough to know it all
  • There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.

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College Student Laws
  • You just finished the paper that counts as your final five minutes before class only to discover the printer is out of ink
  • No matter what the problem, alcohol will always solve it
  • Pizza makes a complete meal... hot or cold
  • Dinning dollars are always short in supply
  • Your parents never fail to call you on your cell phone when you're at a party
  • Whenever you have beer in your room, your RA decides it's the perfect time to make surprise inspections
  • The professor never sticks to the syllabus
  • One college student in a hot rod car has half a brain, two college student have no brain
  • The harder you study, the farther behind you get
  • Knowing mathematics and teaching mathematics are not equivalent
  • What is "obvious" to everyone else won't be to you
  • Notes written in class are hieroglyphics at home
  • Problems that you can work won't be on the test
  • Problems that you can't work will be on the test
  • Any simple idea will be denoted using 3 different symbols
  • Community College credo: fix anything with duct tape, eat only ramen noodles, drink only caffeine.
  • If you study hard for that important examination, the setters will decide to change the focus of the exam to one that is 'thinking-based' and 'analytical'.
    Corollary: If you memorized information, it will be useless.
  • If you don't study for that important examination, the paper will be content-based.
    Corollary: If you don't study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading on your textbooks from a month ago, hence will appear (deceptively of course) easy, although you will not recall the exact phrasing of an answer.
  • If you give information without citing the source, the information given is wrong.
  • If you cite a source for information, it actually came from somebody else.
  • If you didn't cite something, that was the one thing your professor wanted you to cite.
  • There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
  • If you bring a solar powered calculator to a test, the room lights won't work.
  • When you have worked out something intelligently, your classmates would have worked it out before you and in a better way
  • When you think that a person you meet looks stupid, chances of them being really smart are very high
  • The chances of doing badly in a test are really high when you've studied really hard. or The probability of scoring an A in a test is inversely proportional to your hard work (however, the reverse can NEVER be proved)
  • On the day when you planned to do most of the preparation for your hardest final exam, your neighbour is going to mow the grass all day

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Murphy's war law

  • Friendly fire - isn't. 
  • Recoilless rifles - aren't.
  • Suppressive fires - won't.
  • You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
  • A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  • If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
  • Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
  • If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
  • If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  • Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
  • Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
  • The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
  • The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
    when they're ready.
    when you're not.
  • No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
  • There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
  • Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
  • There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
  • A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
    Addendum:
    Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
  • The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
  • The easy way is always mined.
  • Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
  • Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
  • Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
  • If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
  • When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
  • No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
  • If the enemy is within range, so are you.
  • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  • Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
  • Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
  • Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
  • Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
  • Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
  • Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
  • Tracers work both ways.
  • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
  • When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
  • Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
  • Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
  • Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
  • Weather ain't neutral.
  • If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
  • Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
  • 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
  • The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
  • Napalm is an area support weapon.
  • Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
  • B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
  • Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
  • Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • The one item you need is always in short supply.
  • Interchangeable parts aren't.
  • It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
  • When in doubt, empty your magazine.
  • The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
  • Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
  • If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
  • Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
  • The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
  • Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
  • Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
  • The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
  • One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
  • A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
  • The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
  • Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
  • The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
  • The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
  • Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
  • If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
  • Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
  • When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
  • Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
  • The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
  • To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
  • The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
  • The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
  • When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
  • The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
  • A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  • Murphy was a grunt.
  • Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
  • Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
  • The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
  • All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
  • The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
  • The crucial round is a dud.
  • Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
  • There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
  • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
  • If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
  • If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
  • If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
  • Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
  • Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
  • The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
  • The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
  • There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
  • The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
  • Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
  • As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
  • Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
  • The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
  • Walking point = sniper bait.
  • Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
  • If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
  • No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
  • The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
  • The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
  • The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
  • If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
  • The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
  • If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
  • The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
  • There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
  • Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
  • If see you, so can the enemy.
  • All or any of the above combined.
  • Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
  • Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
  • Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
  • Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
  • A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
  • When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
  • It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
  • If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
  • Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
    "What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
    The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
  • If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
  • Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
  • Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
  • There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
    Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
  • Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
  • You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
  • Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
  • Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
  • You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
  • You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
  • Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
  • "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
  • Don't be a hero
  • Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
  • NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
  • Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
  • Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
  • Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
  • If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
  • If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
  • Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
  • Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
  • If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
  • Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
  • A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
  • Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
  • Being shot hurts.
  • Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
  • There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
  • C-4 can make a dull day fun.
  • There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
  • If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
  • Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
  • Always make sure someone has a can opener.
  • Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
  • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
  • If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
  • Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
    A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
    Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
    As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
  • When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
  • Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
  • Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
  • Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
  • In peacetime people say, "War is Hell".  In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
  • f you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
  • When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
  • Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
  • If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.
  • Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
  • Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
  • If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit". (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M-16A2).
  • War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
  • Lackland's Laws:
    1. Never be first.
    2. Never be last.
    3. Never volunteer for anythin
  • An escaping soldier can be used again.
  • If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
  • Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
  • It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
  • If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
  • if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
  • If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
  • Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
  • You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
  • Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
  • The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
  • Night vision - isn't
  • When you need CAS, they'll be on last weeks radio fill and you won't be able to reach them
  • When you need Apache's, they'll be busy escorting the generals bird around
  • Whatever you have, you won't need; whatever you need, you won't have.
  • Leadership law
    If it was risky, it worked and no one got hurt: you were brilliant
    If it was risky, it worked and someone got hurt; you were courageous
    If it was risky, it didn't work and no one got hurt; you were lucky
    If it was risky, it didn't work and someone got hurt; you were stupid (and probably dead)
  • The best sniper position is always the hardest to reach
  • Snakes aren't neutral
  • When you need to use the bathroom - the enemy is watching your position

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Laws of War for Helicopters
  • Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
    While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
    It's just what they do.
  • The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
    Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
  • The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
  • "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
  • The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law:
    The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
    Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
  • Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
  • The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
  • It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
  • "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
    It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
    S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
    Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
  • Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
    Any combination of these can be deadly.
  • Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
  • It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
  • LZ's are always hot.
  • There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
  • Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
    Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.
  • The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
  • Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.
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Laws of War for Tanks
  • The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
  • Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
  • If you're close enough to actually hear an M1  series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
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Laws of the Marine Corp
  • It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
Go to TOP
Law of Fighting Airplanes
  • The enemy is always has the advantage.
  • Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
  • 'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
  • Afterburners aren't.
  • Air Brakes don't.
  • Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
  • You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
  • When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
    pick two. (This applies to everything)
  • Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
  • If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
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Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
  • Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
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Laws of Desert Combat:
  • Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
  • Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
  • Tanks should never leave the established roads
  • Established roads are always mined
  • Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
  • The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is
  • Have plenty of water on hand
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Laws of War in Iraq:
  • If it makes sense, it is not the "Army Way"
  • Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
    Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block.
    If you do, don't even try to run or hide. The pain will be worse.
  • The Iraqis always know the area better than you, no matter how many dismounts or convoys you have been on.
  • Iraqis always have the advantage of blending in with the crowd. You do not.
  • Iraqis are used to the heat and will rarely, if ever, be out during the hottest part of the day.
  • Drink more water than you think that you will need.
  • Drink more water than you think that you will need.
  • Always keep your radio fill up to date.
  • Don't piss off the IP's that run the check points, they sometimes allow insurgents to place IED's near their location just to fuck with you.
  • Be nice to the Iraqi children, they will soon be either IP's, IA's, or insurgents!
  • Always remember: Shoot first and then swear up and down that you saw them pull out a grenade. This always works!!!
  • IED's will be placed frequently in the same spots over and over again.
  • Always shoot the guy walking down the MSR in the middle of the night carrying a gas can and a shovel. If they can't place the IED's, they can't blow you up!
  • Military restatement of Uffelman's Razor:
    Never attribute to an Officer that which is adequately explained by a Private.
  • If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the new private!
    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  • Law of Murphic Relief:
    If, throughout your entire life you have been ruled by Murphy's Law, then at least one thing, usually no more than that, will go so right as to make up for a lifetime of failures.
  • Murphy's Law is proof that God is in Heaven laughing his butt off!!

 

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Murphy's cops laws

  • Bullet Proof vests aren't.
  • The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
  • The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
  • Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
  • High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
  • If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
  • Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
  • Flash suppressors don't really.
  • If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
  • If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
  • Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
  • If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
  • Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
  • When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
  • If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
  • You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
  • Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
  • From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
  • On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
  • The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
  • Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
  • You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
  • The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
  • If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
  • The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
  • Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
  • Laser sights work both ways
  • Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
  • The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
  • The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
  • In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
  • Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
  • Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
  • Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
  • Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
  • The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
  • Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
  • Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
  • Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn't want called.
  • On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
  • If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket.
  • "Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't.
  • "Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had.
  • Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.
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Murphy's military police laws

  • Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
  • If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
  • Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
  • When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
  • Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
  • Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
  • If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
  • Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
  • The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
  • The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
  • No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
  • If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
  • The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
  • The important things are always simple.
  • The simple things are always hard.
  • The easy ways are always blocked.
  • The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
  • Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
  • When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
  • Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
  • It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
  • If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
  • No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
  • No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
  • The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
  • Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
  • Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
  • Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
  • The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
  • You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
  • If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
  • The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
  • The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
  • The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
  • Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
  • Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
  • You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
  • Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
  • Empty guns - aren't.
  • Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
  • The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
  • Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
  • Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
  • Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
  • Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
  • Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
  • Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
  • Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.
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Murphy's sewing laws

  • Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron
  • The serge only eats the customer's garment
  • If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box
  • The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one
  • When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small
  • The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most
  • The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing
  • If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off
  • Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out
  • The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric
  • Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot
  • Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract)
  • Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams
  • The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing
  • The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric
  • The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday
  • Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them
  • Gathering threads always break in the middle
  • The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole
  • Matching edges don't
  • You will spill your pin box once per garment.
  • As yee sew, so shall ye rip
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Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws

  • Don't look conspicuous. When you’re dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders
  • There is always an easy way
  • The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week
  • When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to
  • Falling trees have the right of way
  • Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large
  • If your Captain can see you then so can the public
  • Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "To whom it may concern"
  • If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
  • It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps
  • Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. There’s a difference
  • Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep
  • Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do
  • Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake
  • One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many
  • A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain
  • The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it
  • The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired
  • Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
  • Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self - starters won’t
  • The item of equipment that usually won’t start or jams when you need it the most is the pump
  • You aren't Superman
  • If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
  • The important things are always simple
  • The simple things are always hard:
    Beer Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases
  • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything
  • The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out
  • The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching
  • As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains
  • If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution
  • CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene
  • Captain on location with heavy panic showing
  • Chiefs are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit
  • Burning materials that require extinguishing by powder or gas will be treated with water.
  • NFPA = Not For Practical Application
  • Fireman proof - isn't
  • If you forget to bring gas with you, your saw will run out as soon as you make the roof
  • Once your saw dies you realize you and your partner failed to bring an axe
  • Your rope may be rated to 9,000 pounds, your hardware to 12,000, but your back will fail at 3 times your body weight
  • It doesn't matter how long the engineer has been on the job - if you didn't check your gear, it hasn't been checked
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Murphy's photography laws

  • You are not Ansel Adams
  • Neither are you Herb Ritz
  • Automatic Cameras - Aren't
  • Auto Focus – won't
  • If you can't remember, you left the film at home
  • No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
  • When in doubt, motor out
  • If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
  • If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
  • The most critical roll of film is fogged
  • If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
  • Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
  • The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
  • Interchangeable parts aren't
  • Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
  • Weather never cooperates
  • Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
  • The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
  • Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
  • There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
  • Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
  • Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
  • No photojournalist is well dressed
  • No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
  • Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
  • The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
    -when animals are ready.
    -when you're not.
  • Same rule just substitute children
  • Client Intelligence is a contradiction
  • There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
  • The important things are always simple
  • The simple things are always hard
  • Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
  • A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
  • Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
  • The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
  • The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
  • when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
  • Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
  • Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
  • Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
  • When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.
  • Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
    When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film.
  • Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks.
    Corollary:
    The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
  • No matter how long you've had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it - when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot.
  • Safelights - aren't.
  • The greater a photographer's excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
  • The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
  • Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
    Corollary:
    Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.
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Murphy's nurses laws

  • When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
  • Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
  • A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
  • It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
  • You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
  • In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
  • The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
  • As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
  • The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
  • Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
  • The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
  • You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
  • The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
  • The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
  • You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
  • The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
  • When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
  • If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
    Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
  • When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
  • Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
  • As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
  • Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
  • You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
  • Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
  • As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
  • If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
  • Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
  • Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
  • The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
  • The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
  • The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
  • The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
  • If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
  • When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
  • Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
  • When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a hugecode brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
  • Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
  • The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
  • The Nursing Catch-22:
    If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
  • You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.
  • Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is 'whoops'
  • The probability of a code blue is inversely proportional to the time left till the shift change
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Murphy's bus laws

  • If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
  • If you're running late the bus will be too
  • If  you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
  • If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
  • The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
  • If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
  • The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
  • Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
  • The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
  • Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.
  • If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.
  • The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.
  • The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
  • The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
  • If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
  • The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.
  • It seems like a long time you are waiting for the bus, so you pull out a cigarette and light it, then here comes the bus.Or the short version
    If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
    it applies to cabs as welll
  • If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.
  • Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.
  • The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man.
  • If you are early, the bus will be late.
    Corollary: If you are late, the bus will be on time
  • if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.
  • If you must take a bus there's a strike.
  • Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
    Corollary: Buses traveelling in exactly opposite direction go empty.
  • The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
  • When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
  • No one has the correct change
  • Every dork in the world wants to make stupid conversation and wont get of the bus
  • When walking to a bus stop, if you'll look back to see if the bus is coming, it won't, if you won't look back, the bus will pass you just as you'll reach the bus stop.
  • If you wait for a bus for a long time, and decide to leave the station, the bus will arrive just as you're too far away to catch it
  • No matter who you sit next too they will start a cell phone conversation about their Boyfriend or Mothers hospital operation
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Murphy's lotto laws

  • You check the paper and find that you have all six numbers, but then you find the newspaper misprinted two of the numbers.
  • The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and the numbers match all the numbers on your lotto slip, but you forgot to buy your ticket.
  • The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and you finally win, then you find out 3,000 other people also won first place.
  • You match 4 numbers, but you lost your ticket.
  • You've been playing the same numbers in the Lotto since it beginning. Then they change the Lotto game saying it's what the people wanted
    (You know it's just to make it harder to win so they can make more money).
  • The only time you win, it's a pitifully small amount.
  • Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
  • You finally hit it big, then you find out all the friends you never had.
  • You finally hit it big, then you die the same day.
  • Whoever wins either is already rich or has won at least once before.
  • Lotto is the answer, the only answer.
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Murphy's cowboy action shooting (CAS) laws

Most cowboys know of Murphy’s Law, what they may not know is that Murphy, in his wisdom, wrote his law's for CAS long before it came into existence.

Back then CAS wasn’t yet a proven science or art form like it is today and things could actually go wrong with firearms, ammo, stage props, spurs, etc. and some cowboys, as hard as it is the believe, actually missed.

It was for these reasons that Capt. Murphy wrote his famous law's for Cowboy Action Shooting. They are listed below in no particular order so-whatever.

  • No matter how the plate is positioned, fragment will always reflect forward towards the stage.
  • The most expensive and hard to find (38-40/32-20) cartridges will always land forward of the firing line.
  • No matter which side the buckle is on; spurs can be put on backwards and upside down.
  • If it’s dark outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
  • If it’s daylight outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
  • The whiter the hat the deeper the mud hole that it falls into.
  • Feet will always swell on the night of the banquet when you have on your tight fitting, dress boots.
  • If stopped by a cop for a broken tail light on the way to a meet the first thing he will always ask is; are there any weapons in the car?
  • All cops who stop cowboys going to or from a meet never have a sense of western humor.
  • Don’t ever try and joke around with a cop when you are transporting 8+ guns and 1000+ rounds of ammo to or from a Club called, Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
  • Under the above mentioned laws always try substituting - Old Western Texas Poets Sonneteer Society for Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
  • The first time you’re running real late is the first time the safety meeting will actually start on time.
  • A secure, drop proof, gun holster really isn’t
  • The time you locate that gun you’ve always wanted at a price far below market value for cash only right then is the time you will have forgotten to visit ATM before leaving home and the two pards behind you will be waving greenbacks at the seller.
  • When it’s time to leave for the airport to your first EOT, and all your pards are waiting in the is car, that’s the time the safe will refuse to open and the only safe/lock smith within 50 miles is on vacation and your CAS friend, Yellow Dog Tick, will be fresh out of dynamite.
  • Green, pink & yellow really do make a smart looking cowboy outfit for pards, pardettes & horses.
  • Green, pink & yellow dress suit not a good choice for work, church, weddings, trial, funerals, job interviews, etc.
  • If you say anything at all to a cowboy with blue hair, orange beard, wearing green, pink & yellow outfit it would be in your best interest to tell him he’s a right handsome looking buckaroo vaquero.
  • If you call an armed cowboy a buckaroo, be absolutely sure that the B doesn’t sound like a V or F.
  • A cowboy packing two Colts and carrying a double can wear any thing he dang well pleases.
  • Osauma Ben Lauden has never seen the movie, “The Wild Bunch.”
  • One flat bed trailer loaded with armed cowboys really can depose Castro on Friday, Sadam Hussain on Saturday with time left over for a banquet Saturday night on the Rivera.
  • The game of “Cowboys and al Qaeda” has never been played.
  • Ear plugs will be instantly remembered after the first report of a 26+ round stage shot inside a small building.
  • A timer reading showing a negative number proves that cowboys really can go faster than the speed of light which makes Einstein a waddy.
  • Stealth Bullets only work in stealth guns on a stealth stage being shot by a stealth cowboy or cowgirl.
  • If the last shot for a clean match is a mandatory knock down, when hit, it will never go down.
  • If you are winning the match with a stock Ruger and ahead by. 25sec., on the last shot the hammer will always slip.
  • You always know it’s time to stop reloading and come to bed when your wife calls out for a DQ for failure to engage.
  • The cost of a real Colt always equals two or more (2) SS checks.
  • No matter how many carts you have, you will always have the urge to build just one more.
  • No matter how many carts you have made that were based on years of CAS experience, some new pard on his first time out will have a better one.
  • Gun carts are addictive, the only known cure is to build a factory and hire help for the mass production of your last and perfect cart.
  • No cart is ever perfect.
  • No matter how wide the tread and how big the tires, your cart will tip over at Tin Star Ranch.
  • Cowboys and boys who ice.
  • skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
  • If you carry oxygen for a pick-me-up before stage time, some fool will always use it to strike a match on to light his cigar.
  • Modern day cowboys really don’t roll their own. (think about it)
  • Modern day cowboys really do yell, YAHOO DOT COM.
  • The cost of new CB equipment will always equal your checking account balance.
  • If you ask the cost of playing CAS you probably can’t afford it.
  • No matter how many times they are cycled at home, New guns will always lock up at first match.
  • No matter how many times they are cycled at home, used guns will always lock up at first match.
  • All guns, no matter how many $$$$ spent on them for action jobs, will always lock up.
  • Action jobs really aren’t.
  • If used, sun block will always get into your eyes while shooting the longest and most difficult stage.
  • If used, Sun block will always get into your eyes.
  • Your expensive, new safety shooting glasses will never have the right correction for CAS work.
  • If the stage calls for a reload off body, your extra bullet will always be on your cart.
  • If stage calls for extra bullet to be loaded off your body, that will be the one you drop and the only one in that caliber that you have on you.
  • If stage calls for reloading off you body, the first and sometimes the second cartridge you pull out of your pouch will always be the wrong caliber.
  • When the above happens the cowboy will always try and load it anyway.
  • The wrong caliber for you rifle will not chamber but it will always fit thru the loading gate and jam under the carrier.
  • 38 caliber bullets will go thru the loading gate of a W32-20 rifle and jam.
  • 45 long Colts will go thru the loading gate of a 45-70 and jam.
  • You can always ID a Marlin man by the screw drivers he carries in his ammo belt loops.
  • Screws on a Marlin really can’t be over stressed.
  • Screws on a Winchester that are over stressed will always strip out.
  • Lock tight really isn’t.
  • Secure, fail proof, Tang sights will always fall down.
  • If the stage calls for 10 rifle rounds the rifle will always jam on first round.
  • f the rifle is the first gun to be used on a stage it will always jam on the second round.
  • Your spare gun will never work when needed for that purpose.
  • Modern day Stag grips really aren’t.
  • Modern day real ivory grips really aren’t.
  • Hard wood grips will crack the first time the gun is mishandled.
  • Grips guaranteed to fit really don’t.
  • Clean black powder really isn’t.
  • A 42 inch gun belt can never be stretched far enough to fit around a 48 inch waist.
  • Loose gun belts will always fall off going down stage steps while on the timer.
  • All BP shooters by nature have really small, tight nipples.
  • With age all BP shooters will have large nipples that sag.
  • All CB guns have the inherent ability to be staged unloaded.
  • There really are stage gremlins who move your guns, takes rounds out of them or put more in, rigs props to not work and who move targets out of harms way just as the trigger is pulled.
  • Don’t ever try to shoot a stage gremlin, they smell real bad.
  • A hair trigger really isn’t.
  • Peep sights don’t.
  • Peep sights will always fill up with crud.
  • If you run out of shots shells on a stage and a cowboy hands you his, they will always be the wrong gauge.
  • Cowboys are the only known Homo sapiens who can laugh out loud at themselves and not be considered committable.
  • The only thing a cowboy loves more than his horse is another horse.
  • Don’t ever kiss another cowboys horse, he will not like it and they tend to kick.
  • After feeling the finish on a CBs gun it would be best not to tell him; it’s as soft as a babies butt.
  • Don’t ever talk harsh about a cowboys Mother, dog, truck, bass boat, horse, collection of guns or his selection of chew.
  • No CB has ever admitted being a Democrat.
  • All CB shooters are proven, professional gamblers.
  • Betting on a stage is always a sucker’s bet.
  • All cowboys like to gamble, even when they know they can’t win.
  • Cowboys never have money to gamble with; on the way into town.
  • Their horse won it all.
  • In 5-card draw always count the cards six times before accusing an armed CB of holding more than 5, that way you’ll have a better feel and appreciation for the number 6.
  • Cowboys and boys who skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
  • Storm proof tents used for SAS camping really aren’t.
  • All CAS tents leak and the leak will always be directly above the bedding material of the tenants or his guns.
  • An RV transporting 6 cowboys and their equipment to an annual CAS meet is really an RT - Rolling Thunder.
  • 38s really aren’t wimp loads unless you actually shoot a wimp.
  • Don’t ever shoot a wimp; they will not die and will just lie there and whine, cry, moan, groan and carry on forever.
  • 38s really aren’t mouse guns; their hands are too small to reach the trigger.
  • Horse blinders really don’t.
  • All cowboys who wear a shot shell, bra belt also know all the Broadway show tunes.
  • All cowboys who insist on wearing a shot shell bra belt will always be wearing rhinestones or sequins and have shinny guns with mother of pearl grips.
  • Gen. George Patton really did say that about pearl grips and it‘s true.
  • Elvis, dressed like a cowboy in white leather, really has been seen at EOT.
  • If you think you saw Elvis at EOT dressed in white leather, he really was there and ten cowboys will back you up no matter what.
  • If you’re absolutely positive that you saw slick willie (BC) at a SASS meet dressed as a cowboy packin’ heat, always keep it to yourself and never mention it; cowboys don‘t cotton to crazy people.
  • No matter how good you are with a long-range rifle, you can never hit the Marfa, Texas lights.
  • Only cowboys can wear yellow leather boots and not get noticed real hard.
  • All cowboys wearing yellow, leather boots, study the ground real hard before dismounting.
  • Spurs really do help in obtaining more traction for action.
  • Just like guns, spurs really can lock up.
  • Cross draw holsters tend to make a cowboy a switch hitter or a good Broadway dancer.
  • Two holsters worn on same side always makes a cowboy a switch hitter.
  • Not all cowboys can operate a jig but they all know how to dance to one.
  • If MapQuest shows the range to be north of interchange xxx, it will always be south, requiring another 15 minutes to next interchange turn around.
  • The night before you leave you will always loose you CAS Checklist for stuff to “Not Forget.”
  • All computers are biased against cowboys and will always dump whatever it was you were saving for CAS work; Bill designed them that way.
  • On any other day, you can't stay awake long enough to finish watching the news, but the night before a CAS shoot you will always not be able to sleep even if you were hit over the head with the butt end of your shooting irons!
  • Squib loads really aren‘t made by Squib.
  • No matter how many months the fantastic hamburger griller has sold lunches at your home range, he will never be there when you forgot your lunch.
  • No matter how carefully you load your ammo, the stage with the one chance only, 30 second bonus will always be a dud.
  • The cinch will break on the saddle.
  • Bridle’s don’t belong in the honeymoon suite unless the Bride is really weird.
  • Cowboys should never invite their horse into the Brides bedroom, see above.
  • The slicked up rifle action job that feels so good dry firing at home will never eject shells during the match and if it does they will go into your eye or over your safety glasses and down your collar.
  • That new, big, expensive, cowboy hat will always obscure your vision of the front sights of your rifle, but you will look good wearing it.
  • Puncture proof, pneumatic tires on your cart really aren’t.
  • If you use hard rubber tires they will fall off.
  • If you spend an extra ordinary amount of time developing a list of things NOT to forget when going to the upcoming Regional or National match, the day of packing for the match, you will have lost the list.
  • If your CAS list is on your computer it will never give it up without a knock down, drag out, USB fight.
  • After laying out everything in preparation for the next day's match, including the new.38 pistols & rifle, you will always, out of habit, grab the .45 ammo!
  • If you forget or pack the wrong ammo, that will always be the caliber the club vender will be out of.
  • When needed, the closest Wal-Mart will always be in the next county.
  • If your rifle and handguns are not the same caliber you will always get them mixed up at least once. The harder your rifle is to dismantle the more likely and often this is to happen.
  • An easy shot really isn’t.
  • The only time an easy shot can be called easy is after it’s been hit.
  • Golf carts used as gun carts are still golf carts and we all know what that means.
  • Clay birds launched from a taut spring are going about 60MPH. A driven golf ball travels about 250MPH. Don’t ever bet that you can hit a golf ball with a shot gun before dark unless you really don’t need that shoulder any more.
  • Electric powered gun carts don’t really need push handles.
  • The battery on an electric cart will always go dead at the stage furthest away from your vehicle.
  • Gun safes really aren’t.
  • A safe gun is really an oxymoron.
  • Only morons consider a safe gun exclusively safe.
  • Mulligan’s in CAS do not exist and should never be called out by the shooter.
  • And last but not least, All cowboys really do have more fun.
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Murphy's cars laws

  • Being dead right doesn't make you any less dead.
  • The largest vehicle always has the right of way.
  • You're only pulled over when you were just trying to make the light.
  • When there are three other cars on the road, the drivers are drunk and there's not a cop in sight.
  • Hotrods are never seen, but often heard.
  • You finally save up enough to fix your car and you get fired.
  • The car only breaks down at the least convenient time. When you car breaks down and it is a small repair, the mechanic has to remove the engine to get to that part.
  • No matter how well kept the car, an oil leak will develop.
  • When you take your car to a mechanic because it makes a funny sound you will not be able to demonstrate it for the mechanic nor will you be able to describe.
  • Washing your car constitutes a rain dance to the raining gods.
    Corollary: washing a car to make it rain will cause a drought.
  • There's always parking space when driving a 4X4.
  • If your working under the hood of a car and drop something, it will always roll the middle of the car and just out of reach.
    Corollary: Unless there is a floor drain.
  • The temperature of vinyl seat covers is inversely proportional to the length of your skirt or shorts.
  • The cleaner the windscreen, the stronger the magnetism to insects.
    Corollary:
    Within one minute after you exit the carwash, a huge insect will splotch on your windscreen.
  • When you waive the extra insurance, your rental car will be vandalized.
  • After your rental car has been vandalized, the replacement will be broken into - probably on the same day.
  • The car dealer always works-up a great payment plan  for the car they know you need but can't afford.
  • Your Car Keys are always in the pocket of the hand that is fullest.
  • Your kid will fell asleep in the car 5 minutes before you arrive to your destination.
  • A flat will occur during the heaviest downpour after dark
    on the side of the car that is closest to the traffic speeding past
  • The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
  • The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
  • The less you want to be somewhere, the more likely every light will be green and traffic clear.
  • If you're stuck in a traffic jam and you move to the fast lane it will become the slowest lane, if you'll move back, that lane will stand still.
  • A flat will occur when you are without a spare.
    This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one.
  • A flat won't occur while you have spare wheel.
  • When driving, and you want to slowdown there will always be a car traveling right behind you.
  • Whenever you are running late on the highway, there will be a semi-truck in each lane to slow down traffic
  • If you are late, and stuck in the right hand lane behind a bus, the bus will stop at every stop.
    Corollary: It will be a school bus that will makes frequent and sudden stops.
  • Murphy's Law of the Open Road
    When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:
    • the two cars are going in opposite directions, and
    • they will always meet at the bridge.
  • Your car never depreciates more as when your neighbor buys a new one.
  • Whatever side of the pump you park your car, the tank lid will be on the other side.
  • If you're looking in the mirror and all you can see is a Semi's grill, even if you'll hit the brake, you won't stop.
  • There shall be torrential down-pours as you attempt to get to your car; once inside the car, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping and there's a rainbow on the horizon.
  • Your car will run out of gas where there are no gas stations.
  • By making expensive modifications you increase the gravitational attractions between your car and large objects
  • If you treat your car like a racing car, then it will develop expensive racing problems
  • Regardless of how fast you go, someone behind you is in a hurry.
  • Regardless of how fast you go, someone will delay you.
  • The probability of 1 and 2 happening simultaneously is directly proportional to the amount of oncoming traffic, inversely proportional to the distance to the next no-passing zone, and directly proportional to the length of the no-passing zone.
  • A quiet intersection never has any traffic until you are ready to cross it.
  • You can drive a car in to any river ford, just don't expect to always be able drive out
  • The red light is always longer then the green one
  • On a two lane road, no cars will come from the opposite direction where the lanes are divided by a white line. However, as soon as it's allowed to bypass, the opposite lane is jammed.
  • The louder the car alarm, the more likely everyone but the owner will hear it.
  • If you're late for work, every traffic light is Red.
  • The vehicle with most mass has automatic right of way
  • The oldest or cheapest vehicle has automatic right of way
  • The vehicle which has been in the most collisions has automatic right of way
  • The vehicle with the cheapest insurance deductible has automatic right of way
  • The vehicle with the largest driver has automatic right of way
  • The vehicle with the most firearms on board (either factual or suspected) has automatic right of way
  • Vehicles providing essential services, such as beer delivery trucks, have automatic right of way
  • If there is no traffic there will be roadwork
  • Any driver in front of you will immediately lose the ability to drive their car
  • No matter the length of warranty coverage, on the day that the warranty expires the car will break down
  • At the exact moment that your car insurance lapses, the probability of being involved in an accident increases exponentially
  • Even if you never smoke, eat, or drink in your vehicle there will be mysterious stains on the carpet and/or upholstery at the time of trade in
  • No matter how many times over a vehicle's appearance is checked before returning it after service, paint job or wash, the owner will detect a huge, obvious flaw immediatly
  • The probability of damaging a borrowed vehicle is directly proportional to how sensitive the owner is about it
  • Any given mechanical job you decide to solve alone will imminently require a third hand, at its most critical moment
  • The more you worry - The bigger the Ding
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4X4 Section
  • Shortest distance between 2 points is by 4X4.
  • Mud pools are always deeper then they appear.
  • The winch of a 4X4 is always just a little to short to reach a good hold.
  • Mud tends to go where you do not want it to go...
  • You blow a tire when in the middle of the mud.
  • The heavier the car the deeper it sinks.
  • There's never a tree around when you're stuck in the mud.
  • The bigger the tires the deeper the track.
  • The tire blows at that time in which it is most needed.
  • Water always is deeper then it appears.
  • Your snorkel is always that inch to short when it comes down to taking a dive.
  • A 4X4 is is twice the fun of a 2WD and costs the same.
  • No matter where you go you always cut corners.
  • Your hub screws are always turned off when you need them to be turned to 4X4.
  • That happens always when you're stuck in the mud.
    • Your passenger gets angry at that time, because he/she has to get out do turn them.
  • If you own a 4WD and a 2WD, you'll get stuck in mud in the 2WD car.
    The road will be dry when you're in the 4WD car.
  • The better the 4X4, the further into the sand/mud/forest it will get stuck
  • There is no 4X4 better than a rental car
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Murphy's toddlers laws

  • When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
  • When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
  • When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
  • When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
  • The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
    Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.
  • A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
  • The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
  • If it's mine it's mine,
    if it's yours it's mine,
    if I like it is mine,
    if I can take it from you it is mine,
    if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
    if I think it is mine it is,
    if I saw it first it's mine,
    if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
    if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
    if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
    if it is broken it is yours.
  • If I make a mess you must clean it up
  • If I broke it, its your fault
  • The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
  • Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
  • The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
  • As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
  • As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
  • The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
  • The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
  • The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
  • When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
  • The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.
  • The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
  • Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.
  • The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.
  • If I hid it well enough it will always be mine
  • If they hide it under their bed, you will:
    • Relocate it when they graduate from high school
    • Find it when it begins to rot
  • When leaving the house without an extra set of clothes, they will render the clothes they have on unwearable
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Murphy's EMT laws

  • Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is bad.
  • Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
  • You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.
  • The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are.
  • Examine all chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.
  • When dealing with citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was wrong.
  • All bleeding stops... eventually.
  • You can't cure stupid.
  • If it's wet and sticky and not yours -- LEAVE IT ALONE !!!
  • "Riding shotgun" does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles.
  • If at all possible, avoid any edible item that fire fighters prepare.
  • EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
  • Every emergency has three phases: PANIC... FEAR... REMORSE.
  • A good tape job will fix almost anything.
  • Yuppies involved in accidents complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
  • It's not a compliment when Policemen say you're crude, crass & cynical.
  • The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the weight of the patient.
  • Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
  • Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon.
  • There is no such thing as a "textbook case".
  • You've come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm.
  • Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
  • Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had.
  • Your social skills will be lacking, if all your anecdotes deal with blood.
  • Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
  • Get very, very scared when a child is too quiet.
  • Don't place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient.
  • You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients.
  • It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
  • As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security.
  • Don't worry about the gunshot wound as much as dealing with the family.
  • All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
    Corollary 1:
    Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
    Corollary 2:
    Always order food "to go".
  • The Paramedical Laws of Time:
    There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
  • The Paramedical Law of Gravity:
    Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
  • The Paramedical Law of Time And Distance:
  • The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
    Corollary 1:
    The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
  • The Paramedical Rule of Random Synchronicity:
    Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
  • The Rule of Respiratory Arrest: All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
  • The Basic Principle For Dispatchers:
    Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
  • The Basic Principle For Field Personnell:
    Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
  • The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
    If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking:
    somebody is still missing.
  • The Law of Options:
    Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
    Corollary 1:
    Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
  • The First Rule of Equipment: Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until:
    a)You need it to save a life,
    or
    b)The salesman leaves.
  • The Second Rule of Equipment:
    Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't.
  • The First Law of Ambulance Operation:
    No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an "Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!
  • Paramedical Rules of The Bathroom: If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom. If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received. If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it. The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.
  • Basic Assumption About Dispatchers:
    Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.
    Corollary 1:
    The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher.
    Corollary 2:
    Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.
    Corollary 3:
    If a street name can be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
    Corollary 4:
    If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
    Corollary 5:
    A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.
  • The First Principle of Triage:
    In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
  • The Gross Injury Rule:
    Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.
  • The First Law of EMS Supervisors:
    Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X".
    Corollary 1:
    Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
    Corollary 2:
    The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
    Corollary 3:
    Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  • The Law of Protocol Directives:
    The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
    Corollary 1:
    If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
    Corollary 2:
    If you can understand it, you probably don't.
  • The Law of EMS Educators:
    Those who can't do, teach.
  • The Law of EMS Evaluators:
    Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.
  • The Paramedical Law of Light:
    As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.
  • The Paramedical Law of Space:
    The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.
  • The Paramedical Theory of Relativity:
    The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
  • The Paramedical Theory of Weight:
    The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.
    Corollary 1:
    Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
    Corollary 2:
    If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
  • The Rules of Non-Transport:
    A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.
  • The First Rule of Bystanders:
    Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
  • The Second Rule of Bystanders:
    Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.
    Corollary 1:
    Never turn your back on a Proctologist.
  • The Rule of Warning Devices:
    Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
    Corollary 1:
    Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
    Corollary 2:
    Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. Note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.
  • The Law of Show-And-Tell:
    A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
    Corollary 1:
    No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
    Corollary 2:
    It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
    Corollary 3:
    A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
  • The Rule of Rookies:
    The true value of any rookie EMT, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
    For rookie EMT's medical skill:
    1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Jonny or Roy.
    For rookie EMT's behind the wheel:
    1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
    The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.
    Corollary 1:
    Treat any rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)
  • The Rule of Rules:
    As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
  • It's not a bugle, it's a drain for common sense
  • If you're wearing blue and a badge, it doesn't matter what kind it is when the crowd gets riled
  • The mere tone of your voice during the patient report to the hospital can often determine what you're required to do in the field
  • Don't be surprised if your patient changes names based on whether it's the cops or the FD/EMS asking questions
  • The one patient you don't glove up for is the one with "the crud"
  • You never get incorrectly dispatched or make a wrong turn going to a BS call
  • Patients suffer "ambulancenesia" - they deny any medical problems or history during your assessment, but once you arrive at the ER they "suddenly remember" that they have/had any of a myriad number of medical conditions, causing the ER staff to look at you like you like you're totally clueless
  • "Escriba su nombre aqui" is not spanish for "do you want to go to the hospital?"

As a medic in the Israeli ambulance service, we all go through a training course to learn the techniques of first aid, however, as is often the case, circumstances require using your head to come up with an 'imperfect' way to treat the patient. Therefore, at the end of the course, the instructor provides the students with a bit of advice in the form of a mathematical equation (it sounds better in Hebrew, because it rhymes).
Postulates:

  1. A good medic = An improvising medic
  2. An improvising medic = A medic who doesn't memorize
  3. A medic who doesn't memorize = A medic who forgets
  4. A medic who forgets = A male medic

If 1=2=3=4, then 1=4... A male medic = A good medic! No need to be politically correct.


EMT = Empty Minded Twit
EMT = Educated Monkey Trainer
EMS = Earn Money Sleeping
EMT = Empty

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Murphy's graphic design laws

  • Your fonts will default.
  • If you have two versions of a photo, you will send the wrong one to the printer.
  • Promises made by the salesperson never make it to the pressroom.
  • The salesperson will promise anything.
  • If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.
  • Speed. Quality. Affordability.  Pick two.
  • If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.
  • Spell checkers don't.
  • Grammar checkers don't, either.
  • Global search-and-replaces aren't.
  • The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.
  • Optical Character Recognition is good comedy.
  • If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen.
  • If two designs are shown, a third will be requested.  If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.
  • Blueline proofs reveal previously invisible errors.
  • The best designs never survive contact with the client.
  • You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.
  • Your best idea is already copyrighted.
  • Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.
  • Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a copy of Publisher is a graphic designer
  • No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem
  • The number of colors in a client's design will equal the number of colors in the original bid specs, plus two
  • The client's disk won't run on your equipment
  • If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive
  • Your client won't "get it."
  • A single picture tells more than a thousand words. Any technical picture has more than thousand bugs
  • A single picture has more bugs than be described with thousand words

 

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Murphy's mothers laws

  • Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..
  • A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  • Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  • Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
  • Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  • The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  • The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  • If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
  • The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  • If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
  • Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
  • Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  • If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
  • You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
  • Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  • The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  • The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  • All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
  • Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.
  • Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.
  • One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  • If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  • When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  • The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.
  • No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  • No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  • If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  • The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  • Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.
  • Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  • Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.
  • The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  • No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  • The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  • If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  • You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  • The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
  • The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  • Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  • If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.
  • There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  • Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.
  • Murphy's mother told him so.
  • A child will never ask Mom to get something until she sits down.
    Corollary - a child will only ask for a glass of milk after you put the milk carton back in the refrigerator.
  • If your kid grows up to be like you its an insult, not to you, to the kid
  • You can fool some people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, but you can't fool Mum
  • Small, teething children will chew on the most valuable thing within reach. The same goes for puppies and juvenile tigers, bears, or crocodiles.
  • If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
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Murphy's scouts laws

  • The child with the fewest clean clothes will invariably be the first to get wet
  • The easier the rules of the game the fewer will want to play
  • If it can be lost, at some point it will be. This goes for hats, shoes, cups, tents, and the occasional kid
  • The leader everyone is depending on will always be the last to arrive at the meeting
  • The attention span of the group is inversely proportional to the importance of what is being taught
  • The higher the climbable object, the sooner someone will be dared to climb it
  • If you pack extra food, no one will be hungry. If you pack just enough they will be ravenous
  • The cleaner the uniform the more attractive it is to mustard/paint/mud/etc.
  • The more hours of sleep the leaders need, the earlier the kids will wake up
  • Whoever put their hand up first knows the least about it
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Murphy's political laws

  • No matter who gets elected, Government always gets in
  • Politics and religion don't mix well
  • What is neo-capitalism (the neo-capitalism of the ex-socialist countries)?
    Blind alley, leading out of a dead-end street.
  • What is socialism?
    Victory of ideology over clear mind.
  • It's when you are finally on top when everyone finds out all the bad things that you did as a teen, thus ruining your position.
  • Every revolution has its wastage - sounds the wisdom of politicians.
    The loss of the wealth of the nation and absolute poverty of 35% of the population isn't too much?
    (This was the result of the silent revolution of the last decade in Hungary.)
  • We could do worse, we always have.
  • The worst political candidate will become President
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Murphy's golf laws

  • Whenever you think your drive will go right it wouldn't
  • Whenever you think your aim is right is not
  • Whenever you think you might finish a 9 holes play with one ball it wouldn't
  • Whenever you think you have a clear drive over water it will ditch
  • Whenever you think you might par you boogie
  • Whenever you think you hit the green you wouldn't
  • The more people looking at you driving on the driving range, the more slicing your driving will get.
  • Rain on a golf course is Gods way of telling you that you're playing too slow.
  • Only good golf shots are ever spoiled by the most unlikely of events.
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Murphy's employees laws

  • When your workmates absolutely guarantee they'll take care of your duties while you're on vacation, they won't.
    Corollary: the week you're gone, will be the "week from hell" you now have to catch up on.
  • The more work you are promised, the harder it is to find.
  • Some one always gets the good jobs first.
  • Your unemployment check always comes after you find work.
  • The ideal job for you was filled right before you found out about it.
  • In a job interview you need to be well spoken, clear, pleasantly dressed, confident and polite. Even if you are you wont get it.
  • The job you want is well paying, interesting, fun, rewarding, conveniently located, or attainable; pick one
  • Employers are either all the things you'd hate in a co-worker or start looking for another job.
  • There are demerit points for originality when one is caught.
  • If the boss doesn't understand your work  they will either ignore it, pretend they did it, or Freak out.
  • The 10 minutes presentation or video stating everything on how the company caring about you as an employee and as an individual was originally a brilliant April fools joke until a vice president decided that some of the grunts are dumb enough to believe it.
  • The happiest person in the company cannot ever be trusted.
  • If your manager has nothing bad to tell you for too long you will soon need their reference.
  • Your current boss is the worst you've ever had until the next one.
  • Free thought is a capital crime.
  • The most enthusiastic worker doesn't get paid any better than anyone else.
  • You will never get fired at the beginning of the day. Your boss will think this is a good thing.
  • The more you hate a job and  wish to leave the longer you end up staying put.
  • The person interviewing you had less than half or your qualifications when they got the job and will want twice what you have.
  • If you've always wanted to do __________ during an interview ____________ will get you arrested.
  • Losing a job is never as much fun or as dignified as you imagine it.
  • If you bring your voodoo doll/adult magazine or embarrassing cream to work your boss will find it.
  • If you get used to thinking "screw you" after every superior speaks to you you will blurt it out sooner or later. Unless you're a phone sex girl or a stripper people will mind.
  • Being yourself will have to wait until you get home or at least a bar.
  • The uniform you have to wear comes in two sizes small and pinches things.
  • The uniform you have to wear was designed by a color blind masochist who likes laughing at those who have to wear it.
  • The more you have to pay for the uniform the less likely you will be to ever wear any piece of it.
  • There will be one photocopier in the office everyone hits in order to make it work. This will be secretly known by most as the best office equipment in the building.
  • Your Boss will always call you, when you aren't at your desk.
  • If you come late to the office, the chances are, your boss is already in his room.
  • When most important task awaits you get most number of interruptions.
  • the last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all errors until the next person is fired or quits
  • It's not about the award it's about the achievement.
  • When you are convinced everything works just fine you are overlooking something
  • Equal Oppertunity programs aren't
  • If you want to know what is going on, ask those who are under you.
  • If you want to be busy, say that you have nothing to do.
  • You will always be caught, usually the first time you do something others have been getting away with.
  • No matter in which domain you are working, it's intersection with the field of your interest is always a NULL set.
  • Two thirds of the time spent making a decision is used to justify the decision already reached.
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Murphy's office laws

  • The printer is either out of toner or there is no paper only when the client asks for 10 copies of a 120 page report by evening.
  • The CD drive will not be even detected only when you want to cull out information from some CD. Just the day before that, you would have been playing music and it would have worked fine. If the Drive is working the CD would be corrupt/Scratched.
  • The network would snap just when you were explaining an important point over a NetMeeting conference call.
  • The telephones won't work when you need to call long distance urgently.
  • Either that or somebody would be talking to his girlfriend on the only long distance line.
  • All mails except the most important one, which was sent way before, will find their way into your inbox.
  • The client will call only when you had left for a coffee break. And when you call back, he/she won't be available in office.
  • When its a busy day for you, all your colleagues would be chatting just outside your cabin.
  • When you don't have much work... all your colleagues will be busy.
  • Your Security will insist on you leaving by 7:00 on the very day when you have to stay till 10:00 to meet an important deadline.
  • The display settings on your computer will play havoc only when you have to finish a presentation by afternoon.
  • Of all the vehicles in the parking, yours would be most difficult to take out when it is an emergency.
  • Only when you want to piss urgently would all the urinals be taken.
  • The office assistant would be on leave only on the day you need him most.
  • The client would not have gone through the report/brief before attending your well rehearsed presentation.
  • The better your presentation, least the impact.
  • When the telephone operator leaves the board on night mode all the calls would land only on your desk.
  • When you are attending a client call on a colleagues desk, and need to jot down urgently, none of the pens on his desk would write if not you wouldn't find a piece of paper within your reach.
  • You'd find the important Phone number/e-mail ID you had been looking for, only after you had got in touch with that person by some other means.
  • When you are out of office, the most important of phone calls would be attended by the least concerned of your colleagues who wouldn't even care to ask who it was.. or wouldn't remember.
  • Only on the rarest of the days you come late, you'd bump into your boss smoking at the entrance.
  • The floppy which worked perfectly alright few minutes ago on your machine will not open in your boss's or client's machine.
  • The coffee machine will be empty, when you need coffee most.
  • After a really hard day of work, when starting your car at 11:00 pm in the night to leave office, you'll realize that you've run out of gas.
    Corollary: It's only after you run out of gas, you'll remember that the nearest gas station is at least 5 miles away.
  • The stapler will be out of pins when needed.
  • The frequency of mailing performed by a person varies in inverse proportion to the amount of work at hand
  • The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of functions in his pocket calculator.
  • Laws of Paperwork
    • When there are two possible forms to fill out on any given matter, the wrong form is always filled out at first
    • The wrong form is not discovered until it has been signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered.
    Corollary
    Once the right form has been filled out, signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered, it turns out it was filled out wrong.
  • Paper is always strongest at the perforations
  • The 90-90 Rule of Project Management:
    The first 90% of a project requires 90% of the allotted time. The remaining 10% takes another 90% of the allotted time.
  • Rule #1: The boss is always right
    Rule #2: If the boss is wrong refer to rule #1
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Murphy's laws of music

  • Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches
    Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.
  • The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously
    Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.
  • On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school
  • On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site
    Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle
    At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school
    Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality
  • Percussionists will lose sticks
    Corollaries:
    Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
    The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought
  • The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium
  • An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time
    Corollary :The instrument will belong to a first chair player
  • Instruments are easier to break than to fix
  • Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough
  • Principles of Instrument Repair
    • The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
    • When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size
    • When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom
  • After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction
  • Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge
  • A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it
  • Law of Selective Operation
    Brass valves will stick on contest days
    Corollaries:
    They will not stick when the conductor tries them
    They will stick again when the student resumes playing
  • If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away
    If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day
  • When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15% will be left on music stands, 25% will be inside the music, 15% will rot in instrument cases, 15% will be left in lockers, 15% will crawl under the student's bed, and 15% of the parents will receive the letter.
  • If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is
  • At least one person is out of step in any one march
    Corollary: It is usually the same person
  • Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play
  • The drum major is always the best trumpet player
  • Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips
  • The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return
    Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour
  • You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child
  • Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly
  • Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have
    Corollaries:
    Cues will not be provided
    If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section
  • You will have to conduct from a condensed score
  • The music stand you get will wobble
  • If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them
  • Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak
    Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band
  • After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal
  • At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal
  • The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them
  • If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will
  • For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax
    For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum
  • The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle
    Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart
  • Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten
  • At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal
    Corollaries
    It will usually be the same player
    If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder
  • Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question
    Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked
  • There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians
  • A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.
  • At least one name will be left off the concert programme
    Corollary: It will be the child of the head teacher
  • If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected
  • If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will
  • Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter
    Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter
  • The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium
  • Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music
  • If a march can be rushed, it will
    Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly
  • At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece
    Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better
  • At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire
  • Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance
  • You are never as good as the previous conductor
  • When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor
  • After a concert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say nothing about the test piece
  • The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting
    One more time
  • At least one mobile phone will ring during a rehearsal or concert
    The conductor had explicitly given a speech about turning them off the day before
  • If there is a "gran pausa" in the piece, at least one musician will keep playing
    He will play fortissimo
    He will play out of tune
  • The chances of a conductor asking a section to play a passage by themselves in the rehearsal, is directly proportional to the difficulty of the passage and how well the people can play it.
  • String players will not have a pencil the day the conductor gives new bowings or fingerings
  • The difficult passage practiced for hours, will not be played correctly once the student plays it for the teacher
    the more a student practices, the less likely he will play correctly during the lesson
  • The more the student hates a specific piece, the more likely he will have to play it
  • At least one member of the orchestra will forget to change the key with everyone else. Consequently, they will be playing the loudest
  • Two or more flutes will never play in tune
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Murphy's horse laws

  • If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down
  • There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat
  • No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off
  • The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month
  • A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching
  • If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did
  • If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't
  • Hoof picks migrate
  • Tack you hate never wears out
  • Blankets you hate cannot be destroyed
  • Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you
  • Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished
  • Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim
  • If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes", you will get dirty
  • You can't push a horse on a lunge line
  • If a horse is advertised "under $5,000" you can bet he isn't $2,500
  • The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn
  • An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling
  • You can't run a barn without baling twine
  • Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits
  • There is no such thing as the "right feed"
  • If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury
  • If you're winning, quit.
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Murphy's martial arts laws

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts
  • The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him
  • The referee will always be looking the other way when you score
  • You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class
  • The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick
  • The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques
  • If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer
  • After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat
  • After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam
  • In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours
  • No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn
  • If you are sick and come to class anyway, you will end up coughing like youa re about to die at least once.
  • The better you know someone, the more likely you are to get hurt by them/hurt them.
  • When you are wearing the most embarrassing outfit ever, your instructor will see you.
  • If you have a crush on someone of the opposite gender in your class, you will injure them.
  • If you are a girl, and your hair is in a ponytail, you are very likely to have your hair pulled/yanked/in your face anyway.
  • If you are having cramps that day, you will be sparring.
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Murphy's miscellaneous laws

Rental laws
  • Movies that are not available on video are the ones you want to see.
  • A library book will always be checked out when you want to get it.
  • Any movie at your local video store will always be rented out when you want to rent it yourself.
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Printing Laws
  • Your print job is always behind the Largest Print job in the Queue.
  • If its about to print, The printer will get jammed.
  • When they fix the paper jam, it will be out of Paper.
  • When you get the paper, it will be out of toner.
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Copiers laws
  • The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Go to TOP
Sports laws
  • If you'll watch your team during a crucial game they will lose.
Go to TOP
Repairmen laws
  • The rate of instrument failure/breakdown is inversely proportional to the ease of finding a repairman.
  • Hammer laws
    Any instrument can be used as a hammer, the more delicate or expensive the instrument, the better hammer it becomes.
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Mechanics Laws
  • If it doesn't fit, force it... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
  • If you drop a tool or small part while working on a car, it will roll to the exact center underneath the vehicle
  • If you have enough grease & a big enough hammer, you can put anything... anywhere.
  • Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
    Corollary: It will not roll if it falls on shag carpeting and is small enough to hide.
  • If you drop a tool or a part it will roll to the exact center underneath your car thus extending your repair enjoyment.
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TV Laws
  • the television show that you watched once and loved will be discontinued
  • If you watch a TV show only twice during the season, the second time will be a repeat of the first
  • If your VCR is set to tape your favorite program every day, and you find that at certain times it is taping nothing but reruns that you've already seen, the VCR tape will run out in the middle of the only program that you haven't already seen.
  • When you want to watch your favorite program, there is a black out
  • When you want to record your favorite program so you can watch it over and over again, you were recording the wrong channel
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Gravity Laws
  • You can't reach the tool dropped while working on a car engine, and it will be a non-magnetic alloy.
  • The lighter the rug the more apt a dropped peanut butter & jelly sandwich will land face down.
  • When working up high the tool you drop will always land to do the most damage to the tool and the object it hits.
  • If you drop an unbreakable object, it will always land on something more valuable.
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Travel Laws
  • The distance to your departure gate is directly proportional to the weight of your carry on luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before your flight.
  • The number of the departure gate is inversely proportional to the time available to get there.
    I hope to open one day a page for Murphy's Laws of Airline Travel, since I think Murphy fly a lot.
  • Travel is a delight if you have a place to leave and return to
  • As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters turbulence.
  • When looking for a street, it will be the only one you drove past before you saw the street sign.
  • the first escalator you find is always going the wrong way.
  • If you're already having a bad day, the shortest, most seemingly innocent trip will occur during the hottest, dustiest hour, along the most crowded, traffic-jammed street, with a broken traffic light, an accident blocking the way, wailing children in the back seat, and your car almost out of gas
  • Magellan's Allegory
    If someone giving you directions says at any time, "You can't miss it," be assured than you will
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Scouting Laws
  • Rain always happens when on a hike.
  • The shortest way from point A to B is by GPS
  • When counting the children in a group.. there's always one missing.
  • Two rules matter for a scout:
    1. Scout leaders are always right
    2. If they are not then rule number 1 is activated.
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Alarm clock laws
  • Whenever you have something important to do the next morning, the alarm will never go off
  • Radio clocks never go off.
  • The least irritating alarm is the most inefficient.
  • The snooze bar is the greatest invention by man.
  • Alarm clocks can make the most passive of us fall into a violent rage.
  • Smashing it to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension, ( see #5).
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Microbiology Laws
  • A contaminant will always be isolated.
  • The required culture will never give isolated colonies.
  • If the preservation vial is not lost, the culture is not viable.
  • If the culture is viable, it has mutated.
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Jagged Alliance 2 Laws
  • You never run out of medical kits.
    Corollary: Unless your mercs get hurt.
  • Remember - the entire country is hostile. Trees will bend to swallow your bullets, while enemies can shoot through entire forests.
    Corollary: If the game wants you to get hit, there's no cover.
  • If you forgot to repair your equipment after each battle, your rifle will jam when you spend your merc's last action points to kill a wounded enemy, who will in turn reattribute by firing a LAW at your position.
    Corollary 1: If you repair after each fight, you'll run out of toolkits in the middle of nowhere.
    Corollary 2: You neglected to think about carrying sidearm.
    Corollary 3: If the merc happens to carry a .38 by accident, you'll discover that your enemy is wearing treated Spectra armor.
  • When you think you've got a foothold in Arulco, one town's mine runs dry, the other gets run over by the bugs, and a third one is recaptured by the army.
    Corollary: This will happen when the contracts of your top mercs are due for renewal and you just spent your savings on getting a shipment from Bobby Ray's.
  • Just after you made a Quick save, you'll realize that your mercs are surrounded by enemies wielding Rocket Rifles.
    Corollary: Your last real safe is from Drassen on Day 3.
  • After you blow your money on a few two week contracts for expensive mercs, they'll arrive, bitch about not liking the guys in your old squad, then leave.
    Corollary: Neither AIM nor MERC have a refund policy.
  • If an enemy is really dug in, you'll have forgotten to bring a mortar.
    Corollary: If you're actually in range for throwing a grenade at him and attempt it, it will bounce off the one lone tree nearby and sail right back at you.
  • Never count on even mortally wounded enemies missing you.
    Corollary 1: All those Marksmanship penalties relating to energy loss, open wounds and guns in bad condition only apply to your mercs.
    Corollary 2: No enemy ever has a jammed gun.
  • You never notice that none of your mercs has a good score in Leadership until you try to recruit someone.
  • After spending five minutes hunting down the last enemy, he'll flee the sector.
  • There is no such thing as a guaranteed hit.
    Corollary: Unless your mercs are the target.
  • If you lose a merc through death or end of contract, you'll be in the middle of nowhere and be forced to leave behind his/her heavy gear: This is most commonly your heavy weapons expert who carried a few LAWs and your mortar.
    Corollary: The next sector will contain tanks.
  • As soon as the enemy puts just one more square of distance between you and him, your previous hyperfrag sniper rifle with laser sight, telescopic sight, bipod and extended barrel will spray bullets all around him.
    Corollary: This will invite his friends who will geek you by the dozens.
  • Regeneration Boosters, Explosives and enough ammo. Pick two.
  • No matter how good your lock picking expert gets, the locks get better.
  • There are only very few people with less of a grasp on tactics than your enemies. Your militiamen are some of them.
  • The smart JA2 player always has a spare keyboard around; if the Alt and L keys on yours still work, you're a newbie.
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Role-Playing by Internet Message Board laws
  • Nobody knows whose fault it is that the story isn't moving, but everyone has a different theory.
  • The Game Master is never on ICQ.
  • Neither are any of the other players.
  • The impossibility of slapping someone silly over the net is not recognized as potential weak point that requires careful consideration, but abused as if there was no tomorrow.
    Corollary 1: After you spent a few hours trying to modify the text so that you get a coherent string of events from the garbled message of a player, he'll announce that you suck and quit the game.
    Corollary 2: Just when you've written a convincing message detailing how the now inactive character is disposed of, the player will come back and bitch at you for forcing him out.
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Unformatted Character Sheets laws
  • Organized. Complete. Readable. Pick two.
  • Murphy's Death Spiral:
    The longer your campaign goes on, the more ridiculously powerful you'll have to make the villains to present a challenge to your demi-god characters.
    Corollary: The player of the most powerful character will complain about lacking realism.
  • Nobody is lazy; they're busy perfecting their posts they will make really soon, which will be totally awesome.
    Corollary: You'll have to write it yourself.
  • You'll either be overrun by newbie's who have totally cool original new characters (all expressions after 'have' being debatable) who'll quit two days after their introduction to the story, or left totally deserted without players.
  • The amount of work that went into planning your new campaign is inversely proportional to how many people will want to play it.
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Transformers laws
  • Never deceive yourself thinking you're the toughest Transformer; if Hasbro doesn't want to sell your toy, they'll find a way to kill you off.
    Corollary: If enough people complain, they'll bring you back and piss off the continuity-worshipping fan-boys.
  • Murphy's Law of Acceptable Disguise
    All good altmodes are taken.
  • Just because you have a ten in one of your stats doesn't mean some leader toy can't pulverize you with it's 10+ stat.
  • Cybertronian Marksmanship is an oxymoron.
  • Murphy's Cybertron Blues T-Shirt Analogy:
    My family was killed in the Great War that has lasted for millions of years, my city got burned down, Decepticons ripped me to pieces, Unicron attempted to eat my home world, and all I got was this stinking Autobot sigil burned onto my chest.
  • Shoot them all, let Primus sort them out.
  • If you have an aerial altmode and take to the sky, someone will hit you with an EMP blast.
  • When you think you've cornered someone, they'll call in their friends and combine into a huge lumbering giant who will promptly crush you.
  • If your leader carries a big cannon on his right arm, respectfully request a transfer.
  • Even if you wield the Matrix, end the war and save the universe a few times, there'll still be a writer out there who will see to it that you'll be remembered for that one horrible story you were in.
  • The typical job interview will begin with "So, what cultural stereotype do you represent ?"
    Corollary: There are no original characters, just stereotypes that haven't become prominent yet.
  • The more powerful your altmode, the longer and easier to interrupt your transformation will be.
    Corollary: Your inner workings are not stressed to withstand hits by directed energy weaponry.
  • Nobody ever really dies; everyone comes back to bug you and make you waste your ammunition on them.
    Corollary: You're the exception, since you're unpopular and will be phased out of the series.
  • Murphy's Nitpicking Note:
    Every character has an aspect that can and will be insulted and ridiculed at length.
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Game Mastering Laws
  • When you finally find the perfect game, no one is available.
  • Players will always find the hidden flaw in your master plan.
    Corollary: If there is no hidden flaw, it's against the rules.
    Corollary: If it isn't against the rules, one player will convince the others it is.
  • The percent of time spent bickering over what to do next is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject being fought over.
  • The chance of a plan being set aside by player choice is directly proportional to the amount of time spent working on it.
  • If it is absolutely vital that the players notice something, they will not. 
    Corollary: If they make a check to see it, they will fail.
  • If it is absolutely important that players do not use meta-game knowledge, they will.
  • The one time you bend the rules for someone is the one time everyone notices it.
  • The amount of missed attack rolls is inversely proportional to the importance of the battle.
  • Any and all jokes will be misunderstood as insults, clues, or just plain missed. 
    Corollary: Any and all clues will be misunderstood as insults, jokes, or just plain missed.
  • Luck in dice rolls varies inversely with role-playing ability.
  • Adam's Law
    When the players are up against the main enemy, they will instantaneously kill him with one lucky shot.
    Corollary: If they do not kill him within the first 3 rounds, they will all die.
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Elevator laws

  • The last man entering an elevator going up goes to the lowest floor.
  • Conversely, if you are in an elevator that is descending, The latest person to enter will punch the highest floor.
  • The first person needing to exit the elevator will always be the person farthest to the rear of the elevator
  • The chances the elevator isn't work is inversely proportional to the weight you are carrying multiplied by the number of stairs you'll have to climb.
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Communication laws
  • Communication usually fails, except by accident
    Corollary I: If communication can fail, it will
    Corollary II: If communication cannot fail, it still most usually fails
    Corollary III: If communication seems to succeed in the intended way, there's a misunderstanding
    Corollary III: If you are content with your message, communication certainly fails
  • If a message can be interpreted in several ways, it will be interpreted in a manner that maximizes the damage
  • If a message can be interpreted in several ways, it will be interpreted in a manner that maximizes the damage
  • The more we communicate, the worse communication succeeds
    Corollary: The more we communicate, the faster misunderstandings propagate
  • In mass communication, the important thing is not how things are but how they seem to be
  • The importance of a news item is inversely proportional to the square of the distance
  • The more important the situation is, the more probably you forget an essential thing that you remembered a moment ago
  • First Corollary: If nobody barks at you, your message did not get through
  • Second Corollary: Search for information fails, except by accident
  • The Pedagogic Corollary: Give the student a chance to realize he misunderstood it all
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Health laws
  • The amount of pain is inversely porpotionate to the amount of ice left in the ice maker
  • The more minor the procedure the more likely it is to go wrong
  • It is virtually impossible to incorrectly diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every concivable test to prove you otherwise
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Miscellaneous laws

  • A man who walks through the turnstiles backwards going to Bangkok.
  • Never look up when dragon flies overhead.
  • Everybody wants to use the bathroom on the same time.
  • the squeakiness of floorboards is directly proportional to the need to remain unnoticed
  • You might forget your past, but your past will never forget you.
  • Give a controversial, immoral issue, enough leeway in mainstream society, it will become the norm
  • All generalizations are false, including this one
  • you need something the most, only after you realize you've permanently lost it.
  • Spending enough time and money, all human behavior can be psychologically explained.
    Even the most repulsive.
  • Everything gets worse with time except the wine. And this one, no always
  • The early bird suffers from insomnia.
  • History is much like an endless waltz. the three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever.
  • Every thing that is countable is to little.
    Corollary: every thing that is measurable is too small.
    Generalization: If you can quantize it, it is too small.
  • Your nose always itches when your hands are tied.
  • When you believe you have seen the utmost of one's stupidity they never cease to amaze you and go one step further.
  • Life stinks... then you have a heart attack, get paraplegic... and find yourself forced to say that it wasn't that bad after all...
  • When you need gum for your breath in the morning and you can't find any.
    The person you'll ask won't have any either.
    If they will have gum it will be in a flavor that you really don't like.
  • You cannot stop the ongoing love affair between pasta sauce and a white dress shirt.
  • Your parents' advice only makes sense 20 years after they gave it to you.
  • Your cell phone always fall on the hardest part of the ground.
  • Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
  • A web page is only a page until its printed. Then it can be any number of pages.
  • What is (written) history? The last kick of the victor in the pants of the defeated.
  • If you have a 50% chance of being right, you're wrong 90% of the time.
  • Anything By Nothing Equals Everything
    (Any number divided by zero equals infinite)
  • Whenever you don't want to do something, is exactly when it needs to be done.
  • The weakest link is the most stable one.
  • The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.
  • After trying to get something apart (or together) for 90 minutes, you find a clip that gets the job done in 30 seconds (tried and tested many times).
  • Clothes that are labeled (non-run) aren't.
  • The height of foolishness is to believe red or black die doesn't run
  • The more certain you are that your thought is original, the more obscure the source from which you accidentally plagiarized it.
  • Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&* upside the head
  • Philosophy of life and/or golf
    The professor of philosophy opens his lecture filling a big jar with golf balls. Is the jar full? - surprises the audience.
    Yes - comes the reply.
    He fills the empty space with stones - including diamonds - of the size of peas and asks again: Is the jar full?
    The students agree again.
    The professor pours sand on top of the existing mixture filling the jar completely. Is it full?
    Yes, OK! - reply some of the students with doubt in their voice.
    Fine, what all this means? - turns the professor to his listeners again.
    Silence.
    You should understand that this is a model of philosophy of life:
    The golf balls represent important phenomena of life, like family, love, health, job, children, golf. If you lose everything else, these are the things you grasp to.
    The stones represent phenomena that still count, like accommodation, car, wealth.
    Sand is the rest, unimportant, small matters.
    If you start filling your life with sand, you lose the opportunity to deal with important phenomena. First concentrate on golf balls and stones. The rest is just sand.
    One of the students jumps to his feet, opens a bottle of beer, pours the beer on top of everything that the jar contains. The beer is completely swallowed by sand.
    What do you want to say? - asks him the professor with a stare of astonishment.
    My lesson is simple: whatever way you handle your life, not depending, how much is it filled, there is always space for a mug of beer.
  • Nothing succeeds  like success
  • Behind every successful man is a woman; the further behind the woman the better the chances of his success.
  • Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.
  • The Inverse law of Ninja
    In a movie a single Ninja is an unstoppable semi-immortal and mysterious killing machine. As their number increases the ninja progressively becomes more of a bumbling fumbling idiot. Also applies to thugs, mobsters, gangs and superheroes.
  • The item you need the most will always be at the bottom of the pack.
  • Whenever you get a great, original idea, it's when you forget the idea.
  • Any good idea you ever had will just be accredited to someone else once you tell someone about it.
  • If you hold a hammer in your hand, everything around you will look like a nail.
  • If you try to be better than worse, you'll be better at being worse.
  • Nothing is definite.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side.
    Corollary: This law still applies when you move next door.
  • Why violence when there is vengeance.
  • In stores, the other line always moves faster.
  • Clicking your heels three times means you've fallen and can't get up.
  • Binil's law of greed: Enough is never enough enough.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
  • Things can't get worse if you were born an Amazon pygmy cannibal.
  • Moral beliefs tend to be like laws in crowded places.
  • If there's a flat surface, someone will put something on it.
  • Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • A non-smoker among smokers will always be upwind.
  • A Camel is a Horse made by a committee.
  • A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brains.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights
  • A person's happiness is inversely related to how many timepieces s/he owns
  • If you have a clear mind, you don't get to think
  • To be a successful person, you need to succeed
  • A person who writes a law has never experienced it before
  • In view of the current work-load, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off
  • In general it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt. (Lord Palmerston)
  • A heavy frozen roast, stored on a freezer shelf, 5 feet from the ground, will fall on the most vulnerable toe available.
    Following that, it will try to bounce to the other foot, with a 50% chance of success.
  • The Voice of Experience never speaks up until it's too late.
  • If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
  • When sitting in the audience watching a sport event among 60.000 other spectators, the only time you pick your nose, you are on national TV.
  • If you fiddle with something long enough you'll eventually break it.
  • Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will get you killed.
  • Man is the only animal able to retrace his steps to make the mistakes previously avoided
  • The greater the number of people involved in a social function, the less intelligent each of the participants becomes
  • A plea for justice is often a claim for injustice in one's own favor
  • When dinner is on time, your spouse is late. When dinner is late, your spouse is on time.
  • As soon as you light up the commercial starts
  • Sailor's Law:
    Never sail the boat where the birds are walking
  • Murphy's Fundamental Principle
    If there are M ways to do a thing, and out of M, N ways lead to the wrong conclusion, then the probability of doing it in one of those N ways is 1
    Alternately, Everything that you do is wrong
  • The more you say you'll win, the more difficult it is to come true.
  • Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes
  • The exception rule
    Every rule has an exception, including this rule.
  • sometimes in order to clean up, it is necessary to make a mess
  • Whenever a phone rings, it rings at least in pairs
  • If 50 people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing
    corollary
    If 1000 people say a foolish thing, they're most likely receiving an endorsement fee
  • Never teach a pig to sing. It waste your time and annoys the Pig.
  • a winner should quit, a quitter is sure to win
  • Skepticism is to pessimism as doubt is to proof
  • Skeptics are blessed with ignorance, while pessimists are cursed with knowledge
  • Having is not always as pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but I have observed it to be true.
    Spock to Stan.
  • When you remember the trash needs taking out the garbage truck is 2 doors down
  • Sooner or later you will spill your beer
  • Never open a pill bottle over the bathroom sink
  • The most precise measuring instrument known to man for finding the exact center underneath a parked vehicle is a ball being used in a very enjoyable lawn game, this will not work if other balls are available.
  • Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before you are supposed to leave on vacation.
  • Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before the three day weekend starts.
  • Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before closing on Friday.
  • No system is so perfect it can't be made to work
  • During the course of any endeavor you will always see the winning move right after you've executed the losing one
  • The less you have to paint, the more paint you get on yourself
  • When you're riding a bike - it will rain
  • Lube something good and it only gets better, lube something bad and it only gets worse
  • To check the spelling of a word in the dictionary, you have to know how it's written
  • Pens sent through the dryer intentionally never break, but those sent by accident always attack white clothes
  • Nobody is incompetent. Incompetence is nothing but competence in incompetency
  • Coincedence doesn not exist, everything happens for a random reason
  • Wishes expand in direct proportion to the resources available for the gratification.
  • Anything that can be misused will be misused (legal loopholes, marketing information, etc.)
  • Law of Complexity:
    Everything is more complicated than it looks at first
    Corollary to the Law of Complexity:
    The Law of Complexity is recursive
  • The time you have to wait before going to bed increases proportionally to how tired you are
  • The only people less likely to follow your advice than those who receive it unsolicited are those who ask for it.
  • If your happy, don’t worry you’ll get over it
  • If you have no problems, then you have no clue to what is going
  • When you know that you are in luck - Murphy's law will apply to you; If you know that Murphy will strike you at any time - he won't; but than you will know he won't so he will.
  • Murphy's Law is unconstitutional, but will never be repealed.
  • It is a fact that every thing in universe moves counterclockwise.
  • Good luck is inversely proportional to good timing.
  • The first thing you'll have to do, is the last thing you wished.
  • The first thing to break down is the irreparable one.
  • Keys dropped near an open elevator door will always fall down the crack.
    And will cost you more to get them out than it will to get a second set cut.
  • The more skilled you are at something, the worse you are at it when showing someone.
  • If someone ever said that something wouldn't go wrong in a billion years, they said it a billion years ago.
  • The one you buy will be the only one that doesn't work.
  • When playing board-games which involve quizzes etc, you will always know the answers to everyone else's set of questions but never your own.
  • The future is like now, only longer.
  • Laws of Plagiarism:
    • If you put a law into your own words, you can name it after yourself (take many laws from this site into account, though not this one... ahem...).
    • If you notice that one of the laws you read came from a different source, it was either completely innocent or completely malevolent.
    • If your plane is about to crash, the parachute are missing
  • When boarding a plane: get into the plane; let the daredevils get on
  • There's no need for a hot water tank; hot water doesn't need heating
  • No one's life or liberty is safe while the legislature is in session
  • Where you stand on a decision; depends on where you sit
  • A smoking pipe gives a wise man something to think about, and a fool something to stick in his mouth
  • The Relevancy of Time:
    If you burn your finger minutes can seem like hours; When you're with your loved one hours can seem like minutes.
  • The process of growing up answers questions you don't know your asking
  • Aquarium Laws:
    • Every aquarium will eventually leak.
    • Every fish will eventually die.
  • If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
  • Any universe that may exist, parallel to ours, that do not interact, and has not interacted, and will not interact with our universe, does not exist.
  • Planning Laws
    If the shipment is already delayed, the weather goes bad and the harbor will close.
  • as soon as you learn a new trick you forget how to do it
  • as soon as you learn a new song, you forget the lyrics
  • when you set an alarm on an important day, it wont go off
  • If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything
  • The number of times you drop the soap in the shower is inversely proportional to the time remaining before your appointment.
  • The bigger / more important the job / part, the more you bust your hump to get it done, the longer it will sit on the loading dock.
    This goes up exponentially if the receiving company has arranged delivery
  • Smoking will kill you, but so will being born
  • Having parents and not pissing them off, is like having alcohol and not drinking it
  • When hurrying to an appointment because you're running late, you'll be stopped by a cop who will make you get there even later.
  • Never assume conspiracy when stupidity is an adequate explanation.
  • When problem solving, count on assumptions to automatically add unnecessary time to the process.
  • The longer you search for [insert object here] the better chance there is that it was
    1. In your pocket
    2. On the kitchen table, or
    3. Under that pile of junk that you tossed aside looking for it
  • Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate
  • Least credible sentence from lawyers:
    "Just a brief comment if I may, your honor."
  • New white shirts are Ketchup magnets
  • Wind will change direction the minute you are passing wind
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Murphy’s Love Laws:
 

  • All the good ones are taken.
  • If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
  • The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
  • Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
    This constant is always zero.
  • The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
  • Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
  • The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
  • Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
  • Nice guys (girls) finish last.
  • The good ones die first.
  • If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  • Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
  • The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
  • Nothing improves with age.
  • No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
  • Sex has no calories.
  • Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
  • There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
  • Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
  • No sex with anyone in the same office.
  • Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
  • A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  • If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
  • Virginity can be cured.
  • When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
  • Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
  • The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
  • Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
  • It is always the wrong time of month.
  • The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
  • When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
  • Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
  • Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
  • The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
  • It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
  • Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
  • Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
  • There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
  • Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
  • Love is a hole in the heart.
  • If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
  • Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
  • Do it only with the best.
  • Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
  • One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
    Anonymous comment:
    The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost!
  • Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
  • Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
  • Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
  • Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
  • A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
  • What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
  • It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  • Never say no.
  • A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
  • Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
  • Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
  • Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
  • A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
  • Love comes in spurts.
  • The world does not revolve on an axis.
  • Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
  • Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
  • There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
  • Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
  • Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
  • "This won't hurt, I promise."
  • Nothing improves with age.
  • An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
  • When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen.
    When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears.
  • It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
  • Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
  • If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces.
    There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
  • Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
  • If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
  • Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
  • It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
  • You get the best sex from the worst one for you
  • Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
  • No one is as fascinating as they think
  • If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't.
    Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.
  • The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
  • The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
  • The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
  • Love makes believers of us all.
    Translation: Love obscures common sense.
  • Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague.
  • If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble.
  • In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
  • When with your girlfriend you will always have gas.
  • Celibacy is not heredity.
  • The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex.
    Corollary Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring
  • The man shalt not win the argument he started
  • The man shalt not win the argument he didn't start
  • If a man won an argument, it was just in his head
  • (for the ladies) Try and try as you might, there will still be times where men are just assholes. We can't help it and we're sorry
  • A love will tell you they love you endlessly.  A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor
  • When all else fails, have hope
  • Eichel's Rule - During sex, try to sweat
  • In Romance; and in Finance we play with Figures.
  • A cauliflower resembles a rose, if your eyesight is not 6/6
  • Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery.
  • If a man has it he won't want it,
    the guy who buys it won't use it,
    the guy who uses it could give a shit about it,
    so don't give a shit and you will have it all.
  • Love has all the answers. But till then sex brings up some good questions.
  • Sex on the TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
  • Anticipation is 98% of the pleasure
  • The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence.
  • If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention.
    This is especially likely if they:
    A.) Don't want the attention of said person and/or
    B.) Are already dating someone else
  • The ABC rule:
    If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C.
    B and C are often the same person.
  • The uglier the girl the closer she lives.
  • If any things will happen on the first date, you won't have a condom.
  • The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing.
    Corollaries: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper.
    Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil.
  • Marriage is the greatest leveler.
  • Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t.
  • If you're having difficulties choosing between potential two girls, you'll always pick the wrong one.
  • If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
  • If a girl tell you "let's stay friends", she won't call ever again. If you call, she won't answer.
  • You'll always catch fever before the first date.
  • Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors.Or in another version:
    Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't.
  • Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener
  • When it comes to love and lost, doing the right thing always hurts.
  • Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy.
  • When you're girlfriend says that you have to talk the relationship is over.
  • The day you decide to tell you're girlfriend you could not live without her she will leave you the next day.
  • You're best friend stop being you're best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her.
  • The more you want a women the least she will want you.
  • When she says: "Don't buy me anything expensive" and you listen, expect to be single.
  • Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her.
  • If you marry a beautiful girl she'll turn into her mother.
    If you marry a plain girl she'll turns into her dad.
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.  But they never said anything about their daughter.
  • The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love will invariably hate you.
  • The best men (or women) are always taken--or crazy.
  • When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when you're on time they're 30 min. late.
  • As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldn't commit TO YOU will get married.
  • A good women/men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken.
  • Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it feels good until you realize your just fucking yourself
  • Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money.
    Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
  • Never forget: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
  • Good from far, far from good.
  • Any good looking person you see that isn't alone, will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn't deserve to be with them.
  • The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other best friend.
  • No woman\men is better than two
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question - YES is the answer.
  • Romanceis when common sense flies out of the window.
  • Being told your the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death.
  • Everybody is most horny when alone.
  • Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed.
    Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call.
  • The other side lawyers are always better then yours.
  • the partner you want don't want you. The ones that want you are not made for you.
  • Any "Why" question, has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical.
  • Love will cause people to do stupid things.
  • Loving someone to much may be cause for a restraining order.
  • If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back they weren't worth it.
  • Sex ends all interest.
  • Cute now equal annoying later.
  • Not everything takes longer than you expect.
  • It's only kinky the first time you do it.
  • To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy.
    The sum of the three is constant.
    If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two.
    If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one.
    If you are short of all the three, no hope.
    Otherwise the result is always success.
  • The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship.
  • You don't pay for sex, you pay him/her to leave after you're done.
  • If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it.
  • Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce
  • The most intelligent statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. (i.e. during a make out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person).
  • You never truly know a significant other until you meet him/her in a court of law.
  • No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem to be, there's always someone out there that's sick and tired of his/her s**t too.
  • The boyfriend of the girl you like is a ...
  • If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will find a reason.
    or
    If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will.
  • (wo)man = time + money
    time = money
    (wo)man = money2
    Money = √evil (money is root of evil)
    man = evil
    I know the math here doesn't hold. but it's funny, so I'll leave it here.
  • Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.
  • Everything that glitters, is not WET.
  • When you finally bed the attractive blond/e, s/he'll nick your wallet and watch.
    Unless you owe him/her fifty quid.
  • Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life
  • Albert Einstein Gravity Law
    Gravity cannot be held responsible for 2 people falling in love.
  • The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine.
  • The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couple Persona-polarization:
    The most beautiful women in the world, always marry the most ugly men.
  • The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world.
  • If you love her/him, s/he doesn't love you
  • If you are in love, he/she isn't
  • If you want love, you don't get it
  • If a beautiful wo/man loves you, it's fake
  • If you are happy together, wait till you are married
  • It's always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.
  • Everyone believe in love, but wonder if it exists
  • You may get off on a cheap hooker but you can't get off on a cheap lawyer
  • The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl
  • The sexier a man is, the better the chances that he is gay
  • Being told that someone doesn't want to date you because you're such a good friend, is like being told that you didn't get the job because you're overqualified
  • When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
  • the girl/boyfriend who says s/he is... isn't
  • You don't fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall.
  • The best way to get over a woman.....is to get over another
  • You always need a more patient partner no matter how patient s/he is
  • Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
  • Absence makes the heart go wander.
  • The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
  • If you get it, it will be taken away.
  • The perfection of a person is proportional to how much you love him/her.
  • The imperfection of a person is proportional to how much you hate him/her.
  • Rebillot's Law of Infertility:
    You never know that you're infertile until you try to fertilize.
  • In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong.
  • You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone.
  • Kids in cars cause accidents.
    Accidents in cars cause kids.
  • Success in marriage isn't in marrying the right person, it's being the right person
  • "All women are neurotic; all men are assholes" – Kurt Vonnegut
  • If you can't find Mr Right, go for Mr Fits Best
  • A girlfriend is like a credit card, if you have one it's easier to get a new one
  • "safe sex" - isn't
    or
    Definition of "safe sex" is when your wife doesn't know about it.
  • The best way to loose a good girlfriend is to have your wife find out about her
  • Love cease to exist as soon as expressed

Did I mention that I absolutely adore the potential applications of Murphy’s law…???

Peace Y’all. Enjoy.

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2 Comments:

spurti said...

:D so much to relate to... !
but what's wrong?
...things are... just the way things should be... great ;) !

Ashok Felix said...

Aren't you just Overwhelmed by the number of things that you can relate to??

I bet a thousand bucks that you didn't read everything... :)
hehe....